Toxic Relationships

I shared a story few weeks ago about cutting out toxic relationships.  I mentioned three things that designated a toxic relationship, they were:

Continuous strife between you
Chains you to your past
Takes advantage of your heart

Once you make a big change in your life, like excepting Christ as your savior, it is really hard for some people to accept the new you.  Unfortunately, a lot of these are people that have known you for a long time,they may be family.  These people know how you lived in the world before you developed your new relationship with God.    Perhaps they are not saved themselves, or they call themselves Christians but they do not have a relationship with God.  By that I mean they believe in God but never really developed their love with & for God or never realized (actually felt) God's love for them. 
The thing is, it's probably not their fault.  No one taught them about the relationship part, they only know the religious part, as in the law of God.  It seems like it's all rules and do's and do not's to them. So their vision is skewed when they look at you within your new life. 
Continuous Strife or continuous drama plagues the two of you because they have a hard time believing what you are saying, or the new way you are acting.  They are chained to the past, to your old self.  This person (the old you) is familiar to them; they knew what to expect from the person you were then. By allowing them to treat you this way you are allowing them to chain you to your past every time they are around you.  You have worked hard to get out of the pit, do not let them pull you back in- break that chain!

Then there are those that have accepted you in your new season of life. They realize your heart has  changed and how best take advantage of you.  You see it isn't about rules, but the closer you grow with God & Jesus, the more you want to live the good life.  The more you want to live like Jesus.  Your heart may soften towards a particular mission, because that is God's plan for you. 
Let's say you were a woman beaten up mentally and physically, now having been out of that situation for years, God gives you a heart for hurting women.  Now let's say a family member or a old friend that knows your past well, tells you stories that constantly play on your sympathies.  So you  mentally & financially help supply their needs, you take up their cross so to speak, always defending them only to discover that this person was telling you half truths.  Learning the full truth you realize they were just as at fault in the situations as anyone else in their stories told to you.  That is taking advantage of your heart. 
Toxic relationships. Jesus warned the disciples about them just before sending them out on their own:

 “Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands. Matthew 10:28 (MSG)

“Don’t think I’ve come to make life cozy. I’ve come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies.  Matthew 10:34-37 (MSG) 

 

So don't give up.  If the chosen disciples were subject to toxic relationships then how much more should we expect it today?  It's spiritual warfare- pick up your sword and swing it! 

 

The Eruption

Here is a piece I wrote recently about toxic relationships, they can be burning and sometimes need to be cut, maybe forever, maybe for a while.  How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? 
Consistent strife between you
Chains you to your past
Takes advantage of your heart

“Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34

I'll talk more on these later for now here is a excerpt from a little story.

The Eruption
The day is peaceful for her now as she lie near the ocean.  The cool breeze delivering familiar calming scents of the sea relaxing her inner being; yet stirring something almost like a longing she couldn’t describe.  These past days have been exactly what she needed.  Leaving the family drama with the other members of the family to sort out. 

Earlier in the week her phone whistled breaking into the trace she had placed herself in after an argument with her thirty five year old daughter; it was notice she had received a text.  “Great”, she thought as dread washed over her, “This is not going to be good.” She knew it would be from her sister on the other coast.  

“I told you not to do that, to go easy.”  Her sister wrote, “You don’t have a relationship with her. Why did you even come out here? Are you happy now? Proud of yourself?  I cannot believe the damage you have done, I am speechless.”

She felt the anger rise; starting in the pit of her stomach raising up to her glowing red face.  How dare her sister tell her what to discuss with her daughter!  Everything had been fine between them until her sister had gotten so involved in her daughter’s life.  It was their disagreement and was for them to work out, why couldn’t she respect her enough to stay out of it all?

“I don’t care what you think anymore, just stay out of our lives!” she wrote back. ”Instead of encouraging my daughter to work things out with me, you are too concerned with how you will come out looking in the situation. You have enough damage control to deal with in your own life and with your daughters! So Piss off!”

“Oh that’s nice from the high Christian Mother” her sister replied “Great witness”

“After what you just said to me?  You are so self-centered, I am over you, and you have hurt me for the last time.” She wrote

She had been an explosive volcano, the words spewing like hot lava out of her mind faster than she could type them.  Their relationship problems went way back to childhood; her sister had always known the way to push her buttons and fifty years later had not forgotten how to get to her. But this was the last time; it was finally time to bring this to an end.   Her sister had set the relationship bridge on fire and she had let it burn down.

Having decided that it was okay to say goodbye to toxic relationships she cut the ties with her sister. It was painful, especially knowing that during her last visit she had ask her niece to work on the difficult issues she, her mother and sister were having.  Really trying to be supportive to them all she had encouraged her to realize that it would be worth it in the end. This was really all that she had wanted from her sister, the same respect.   Cutting her sister out of her life may hurt for a little while and the repercussions from other family members may be tough to handle, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

Now more relaxed that she had been in recent years she felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.  The ocean waves and calming sea smells seemed like a prize she had won.  Those calming scents that created a longing deep inside her, she now realized was a peacefulness she had lived with long ago. A time when she first moved miles away from the family.  It was a drama free life she was longing to get back to, she knew it wouldn’t be perfect and not without its problems but cutting out the toxic relationships felt like she was on the right path.