Let It Go

Have you ever felt like you can’t get away from a past failure?   I have for sure, a few times.  This latest being more of a heart hurt than others because it effects my passion for helping other women.   I was asking myself why am I crying over this? Now I admit I am a little over emotional at times, and the tears seem to come easily, too easily, in fact, it's almost ridiculous.  This is a real battle for me. I dislike it when the tears flow at inappropriate times, especially during little confrontations. Therefore, I’m always proud when I am able to hold them back, you may even hear a sigh of relief.

 Anyway, back to the question, “Why am I crying over this?” Well,  I suppose at first thought I am hurt by not being included. But that is like stating the obvious.  Could it be that the previous insinuation was different than what actually transpired?  Well yes, and added to the pointed exclusion could be the reason for the tears.

So my next thought is, what could I have done different, I mean what is the opposite and would that have worked better for me and avoid these dreaded tears?  What is the opposite of this inward crush? Outward anger? Woah, yes that is the opposite, but no that is not the way to handle it.  That is a lesson from past failures already learned, I had been that person many years before and have no desire to met up with her again. 

But that comparison helps me to realize why the tears flow. I haven’t found the middle.  I need to discover an emotion middle ground somewhere between the drippy, weepy lady and the angry, crazy lady to call up when my feelings are just hurt.

Now I realize this may sound a bit like a Disney movie, but for now the best thing to do is pray about it, take a deep breath and let it all go. Trust God to take care of it all for you.  In the long run He has the best plan anyway.

So my prayer is this, God I don’t want to be hot or cold in this area of my life, help me to find the appropriate feeling for the appropriate time, somewhere in the middle. I pray that the words from my mouth are always encouraging to others.  And God, please help others not to judge me by my past failures, I am aware of them and I don’t need to be reminded again.  Amen

The Eruption

Here is a piece I wrote recently about toxic relationships, they can be burning and sometimes need to be cut, maybe forever, maybe for a while.  How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? 
Consistent strife between you
Chains you to your past
Takes advantage of your heart

“Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34

I'll talk more on these later for now here is a excerpt from a little story.

The Eruption
The day is peaceful for her now as she lie near the ocean.  The cool breeze delivering familiar calming scents of the sea relaxing her inner being; yet stirring something almost like a longing she couldn’t describe.  These past days have been exactly what she needed.  Leaving the family drama with the other members of the family to sort out. 

Earlier in the week her phone whistled breaking into the trace she had placed herself in after an argument with her thirty five year old daughter; it was notice she had received a text.  “Great”, she thought as dread washed over her, “This is not going to be good.” She knew it would be from her sister on the other coast.  

“I told you not to do that, to go easy.”  Her sister wrote, “You don’t have a relationship with her. Why did you even come out here? Are you happy now? Proud of yourself?  I cannot believe the damage you have done, I am speechless.”

She felt the anger rise; starting in the pit of her stomach raising up to her glowing red face.  How dare her sister tell her what to discuss with her daughter!  Everything had been fine between them until her sister had gotten so involved in her daughter’s life.  It was their disagreement and was for them to work out, why couldn’t she respect her enough to stay out of it all?

“I don’t care what you think anymore, just stay out of our lives!” she wrote back. ”Instead of encouraging my daughter to work things out with me, you are too concerned with how you will come out looking in the situation. You have enough damage control to deal with in your own life and with your daughters! So Piss off!”

“Oh that’s nice from the high Christian Mother” her sister replied “Great witness”

“After what you just said to me?  You are so self-centered, I am over you, and you have hurt me for the last time.” She wrote

She had been an explosive volcano, the words spewing like hot lava out of her mind faster than she could type them.  Their relationship problems went way back to childhood; her sister had always known the way to push her buttons and fifty years later had not forgotten how to get to her. But this was the last time; it was finally time to bring this to an end.   Her sister had set the relationship bridge on fire and she had let it burn down.

Having decided that it was okay to say goodbye to toxic relationships she cut the ties with her sister. It was painful, especially knowing that during her last visit she had ask her niece to work on the difficult issues she, her mother and sister were having.  Really trying to be supportive to them all she had encouraged her to realize that it would be worth it in the end. This was really all that she had wanted from her sister, the same respect.   Cutting her sister out of her life may hurt for a little while and the repercussions from other family members may be tough to handle, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

Now more relaxed that she had been in recent years she felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.  The ocean waves and calming sea smells seemed like a prize she had won.  Those calming scents that created a longing deep inside her, she now realized was a peacefulness she had lived with long ago. A time when she first moved miles away from the family.  It was a drama free life she was longing to get back to, she knew it wouldn’t be perfect and not without its problems but cutting out the toxic relationships felt like she was on the right path. 

God Still Loves a Freaked Out Woman

Ever have one of those days when you felt like the world was crashing around you?  I immediately go into to the ‘where did I go wrong’ mode. which takes me to Matthew 25:23

“The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’Matthew 25:23

And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Matthew 3:17

Then more panic- I know it is not true, but I think that God is pleased with me and  loves me more when I am “sane”, so how can He care for this crazy freaked out woman?  I clearly have not been faithful in handling the small stuff. How can I possibly think I can minister to others when I cannot even minister to myself? Why would God give me more responsibilities?  Uggg. The old stories start playing in my head until I am worked up into a full emotional mess.  I hate when that happens.  Sound familiar?  Maybe you have been there too, just don’t go overboard like I tend to do. 

So where do I go wrong?  First remembering who or should I say forgetting who I am.  Through Christ, God has given us all a new identity.  We tend to look to our surroundings, jobs, family, and activities to determine who we are; hoping these things will please others or even God. We are a vulnerable species, we humans, often needing reassurance to feel fore-filled.

But we have power over all these things through Jesus Who loves us so much. 38 For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! 39 The world above or the world below cannot! Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans  8:37-39 NLV

That is my reassurance. I need to get this verse deep into my heart so that it is available when I feel that freaky woman coming out; I have power over her through Jesus who loves me.  I will listen for God to say “You are my daughter whom I love and am pleased.” He loves me  and is pleased with me; not because of my activities and performance, but unconditionally  just as I am, faults and all.  He knows I am a work in progress.  Not because I deserve it, just given freely.

Fear: Fight or Flight?

Fear is the emotion or reaction of a perceived threat. How do you react when in fear? Fight or flight? Are you lashing and bashing or running and deserting?

Reactive Fighting

Mary & Martha were afraid for their brother Lazarus, he was very sick so they sent word to Jesus to come right now. Can you just imagine the urgency of their message? They knew Jesus well and knew he was capable of saving their brother. But two days and Jesus didn’t come, Lazarus died.  Then Jesus shows up. Now can you imagine Mary & Martha coming “unglued “ on Jesus?  They see him coming toward the house, “There that little bugger is” says Martha. She drops the pots and pans she was cooking with (you know she is the event planner) and runs out the door, Mary hot on her heels. They both say:

“If you had been here, our brother would not have died.”

John 11:21, 32

Ok so maybe that is all in my head, the girls were more respectful to him than that according to the Bible, but I may have had a moment…out of fear.

What causes your fear? 

Are you afraid of what others think? Are you judging yourself? You are if you assume you know what others think of you.

A miss diagnosis of who you are can be your biggest hindrance in doing what God wants you to do.  Pastor TJ Hankey reminded us this weekend that God saw Gideon as a warrior, not a man hiding in a pit.

 Gideon replied, “But how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest one in Manasseh, and everyone else in my family is more important than I am.”

Judges 6:15

Gideon, I believe had judged himself to the point he had no self-esteem, I mean he was hiding from the world in a pit! So unsure that he, Gideon, could possibly hear from God, he asked for a sign to be sure!  Gideon’s misdiagnosis prevented him from seeing who he could be and what he was capable of doing; holding him hostage in that pit.

So what are we to do?  Fear will always be there, the only way around it is to overcome it.

Emotions-

Don’t let fear direct your emotions- Bow up to yourself and boss those emotions around!

Get Moving-

God has a plan for all our lives, when you hear God’s voice or feel His urging, get moving.

Pray-

God will give you strength, and everything else you need in just the right timing and portions to do His work. You can bank on it.