Depression and This Christian Woman

Let's Get Real

Well it has been quite a while since I have written. I am sorry if I have let you down .  If you have come to expect a weekly blog of encouragement from me, and see nothing new.  If you were wanting to read a little humor to enlighten the drudgery that can come in our average day, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.  I was unavailable.....

I was unavailable because my true self took a break in October and depression took over my life. I am about to get very real here because someone else needs to hear my story.  Someone needs to know that you are not alone, that you are not the only one that is unavailable at times. 

It can start with a lost job or something  as simple as a small a disagreement or some hurt feelings, then like me,  before you know it you are in a full downward spiral. 

I did see a doctor, he gave me new medication and adjusted some other meds but that sent me into panic attacks. Unable to really leave my house I was left to my own tears and fears.  Oh I tried to go out if even to the pharmacy for a refill, but pulling into the parking lot the panic would come- “Nope not going in there today, not happenin’.”  and I would head home.

Afraid to take the meds, but afraid not to, my thoughts turned to God. As a Christian woman you would think I would recognize the the spiritual warfare going on, that I would be crying out to God for healing and protection. In fact I did try to tell myself to cry out to God for help, read my devotions, if nothing else just say “Jesus”!   I wish I could say I did cry out and God helped me. 

We all have heard that attitude/happiness is a choice, but the chemical imbalance, removes all balance from your life, without that rhythmic balance there really is not a choice.  It just isn't that simple and is hurtful to hear this from people that don't know what you are going through.   For me, it was as if my mind would create a roadblock, blocking the connection I knew I needed with God to get out of this place.

In depression the things you normally would find comforting can become lost.  So this place of sadness, of hopelessness almost becomes the comfortable familiar place.  As I was sucked deeper into the pit I had a sort of calmness inside as long as I didn’t “think”, as along as I zoned into mindless TV watching or slept endless hours the more comfortable and calm I became in my pit. But if the thoughts couldn’t be stopped I find myself asking “Why God?”.  I cried out disparately, but not for what you would think a Christian woman would cry out for;  it wasn’t why me, It wasn’t why won’t you heal me. It was “Why God would you do this to my family?  Why do they have to suffer through my crazy mess?  Why God can’t you just take me now and relieve us all?”

I know this is a dark subject, but for the next few weeks I am going to share my journey with you.  I hope you will hang in there with me as I travel a road of discovery & recovery.