I'm Fine
I had known for years that I was called to women’s ministry. If fact it was prophesied for me six years ago. Now several years after God had given me this dream, I was leading the women's’ ministry at our church. We had a ladies brunch one Saturday morning. I had invited a friend to speak to the ladies from my church about her new book Equipping the Warrior Woman. The medicine had me so out of it my thoughts were incoherent to my own mind, the words seem to come out like they were hyphenated, I could hardly introduce her. Then she began describing me to the ladies in the room, as the woman she knew, the woman she had met years ago, complimenting me, building me up to them, I thought "who was she talking about?". I certainly didn’t feel like the person she was describing, I couldn’t control my emotions and tears filled my eyes, desperately I wanted to run! I wanted to get out of here before I become a teary mess! How could someone say such nice things about me, this crazy tongue tied lady?
To be successful in ministry, whether in a pastoral position or in another area, I thought you had to “be” a certain way, present a persona that you had it together. This was the perception I had of other Christian women I had been around; some in ministry some were not, as I was viewing their lives from the outside it appeared they had the perfect life. They adored their husband and he also adored them. They had the perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, and financially.... well that too was perfect. How then could I be a successful leader? I am far perfect, I don’t have it all together at all! I’m on “so lost” for cryin’ out loud. How could I possibly Iead anyone to Christ if they knew the truth about me, wasn’t that what it was all about, leading others to Christ, teaching and leading through example?
My friend was so kind, she spoke beautifully, the ladies from the church loved her and the brunch, but for me it was a disaster. Once again I had embarrassed myself.
When did it start? Why does it happen?
I suppose I have struggled with this depression most of my life; dealing with it with out medication from doctors, but instead with my self medication of drugs and alcohol. Throw in the teenage hormone rush, the female hormone rush, then later the female hormone drain add in doctors trying to regulate all that with pills; and I ask, is there any wonder why I felt like I had a three ring circus in my head most of my adult years. Though I left the recreational drugs and alcohol behind the circus remained a unwelcome frequent visitor. So I would see a doctor, stay on the meds a few years, go off for a few years then back on new meds for a few years. Never really knowing why I was feeling like this.
My grandmother was always a little different, some thought she was a little crazy. I heard stories from my family about a her sister my great aunt that committed suicide because she was crazy, her brother my great uncle that was an alcoholic because he couldn’t deal with life, then there was a grandfather that had shock treatments because they thought he had tried to kill his family.... could have been the moonshine, just sayin’, he and his brothers did make their own. There are stories of a Cherokee grandmother that would leave her house and children for days and go to the woods.....odd to say the least. So I questioned, did I just lack the life skills to adapt to my surroundings and the changes that life brings or was I really crazy- mentally ill? Was it a missing chemical or chemical imbalance in my body?
Was it a generational curse? Or could it be that God has such a great plan for the next season in my life that the devil just can’t stand it and is attacking me all these years? I am still researching these possibilities, but for now I am making some changes.
Making Some Changes
First let me preface this section with these statements; I am not a doctor! My husband is not a doctor. I do not have doctors in my family. My friends are not doctors. I am just telling you what I am now trying. I will be seeing a new doctor in two weeks, so this may change again. Taking or stopping antidepressants is dangerous, if you are taking or stopping please be very careful and consult your doctor if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, others or any other problematic symptoms.
My current doctor had made changes to the medicines that was taking. Raised the dosage of one anti depressant, wellbuterin, raised the dosage of the drug to help my under active thyroid, and swapped out the anti depressant Zoloft for Effexor with a higher dosage. I followed his instructions for over a month, things just got worse for me. So I did some research. Side effects of Effexor- panic attacks. Over active thyroid symptoms, depression, weight gain, and high cholesterol. I didn't mention I was on Lipitor too. I quit Effexor & started my remaining Zoloft. The panic attacks came less frequently and now I have perhaps 1 a week. Finally at the urging of my husband to get off all the junk that had been prescribed, I began tapering off the Zoloft and have stopped the wellbuterin .
Now that I am beginning to think clearer my thoughts are returning to what I do know; that this depression was not from God. God breathes life into us. It is the evil one comes to rob us of that God breathed life. The Bible warns us he comes to kill, steal and destroy by any means he can. A warning for some of you, if you are strong enough to stand, to press in, and determined to prevail in completing the task God has called you to do, be careful! If Satan cannot stop you he will push you too far. Be fully present, for there is spiritual warfare all around us.
I am Fearfully & Wonderfully Made
Next week I am going to go into "What I do know" from God's word. Some of the promises that God has given us all that relate to me and my depression struggles. I hope that this will help you or someone you know with their fight.
