Let It Go

Have you ever felt like you can’t get away from a past failure?   I have for sure, a few times.  This latest being more of a heart hurt than others because it effects my passion for helping other women.   I was asking myself why am I crying over this? Now I admit I am a little over emotional at times, and the tears seem to come easily, too easily, in fact, it's almost ridiculous.  This is a real battle for me. I dislike it when the tears flow at inappropriate times, especially during little confrontations. Therefore, I’m always proud when I am able to hold them back, you may even hear a sigh of relief.

 Anyway, back to the question, “Why am I crying over this?” Well,  I suppose at first thought I am hurt by not being included. But that is like stating the obvious.  Could it be that the previous insinuation was different than what actually transpired?  Well yes, and added to the pointed exclusion could be the reason for the tears.

So my next thought is, what could I have done different, I mean what is the opposite and would that have worked better for me and avoid these dreaded tears?  What is the opposite of this inward crush? Outward anger? Woah, yes that is the opposite, but no that is not the way to handle it.  That is a lesson from past failures already learned, I had been that person many years before and have no desire to met up with her again. 

But that comparison helps me to realize why the tears flow. I haven’t found the middle.  I need to discover an emotion middle ground somewhere between the drippy, weepy lady and the angry, crazy lady to call up when my feelings are just hurt.

Now I realize this may sound a bit like a Disney movie, but for now the best thing to do is pray about it, take a deep breath and let it all go. Trust God to take care of it all for you.  In the long run He has the best plan anyway.

So my prayer is this, God I don’t want to be hot or cold in this area of my life, help me to find the appropriate feeling for the appropriate time, somewhere in the middle. I pray that the words from my mouth are always encouraging to others.  And God, please help others not to judge me by my past failures, I am aware of them and I don’t need to be reminded again.  Amen

So How Are You Doing?

Seems wherever I go lately everyone I meet asks "How are you doing?"  or "How are you feeling?" my constant reply is "Oh I'm fine."  with an up beat smile.  And really I am!  It may seem strange to some, but I actually thank God for the place I am in my life right now.  No I'm not glad I have cancer, no I don't like the treatments, no I don't the side effects of the chemo, and blood work- I HATE needles! 
But I love how close I have grown to God.  I love the trust I have in Him. The calmness and peaceful feelings He infuses in me. I love the closeness I feel with my family and friends.  Their love and caring for me just overwhelms me and lifts me into whole different level of love and respect.

I am drawn to learn more about God so I can help others develop their relationship with God. I am drawn to developing my skills to raise awareness to human trafficking in our area.  I just want to help others.

Yes, I have cancer.  But I refuse to let Satan keep me from the joys in my life.  I may walk a little slower, sleep a little more and not always feel like doing something outside the house.  But on my good days watch out because you will not keep me down.  That's right on the good days I want Satan to say "Oh crap, She's at it again!"

"And He said to them, "I was watching Satan fall from heaven like lightning."  Luke 10:18

Remember the Promise?

What a week! 
I was all set to start my new cancer treatment medicine, Sutent, finally last week when I discovered the insurance wouldn't cover the cost.  It's a "Plan Exclusion" they said, pretty generic statement.  Hum...  I mean I'm not in the hospital so I am avoiding the costs of that and daily blood work, I mean really shouldn't the Sutent  taken at home be more cost effective for the insurance company? I don't understand but I'm not getting anywhere.
So I decide how bad can it be?  We will suck it up, pay the cost and write it off with the medical expenses at the end of the year.  How bad can it be, indeed.... 28 pills were $15,000!  Say what!?  Oh and I discover others taking it had been on it for years...doing great I might add, but years!
So after exhausting all avenues (so I thought) I called Pfizer.  Through a phone interview the rep said I qualified for assistance.  Wonderful- but how much help and for how long?  Surely not for years. 
Through the advice of a friend I continued to press the insurance company for a more specific reason. On Monday I was advised to have the doctor's office call the insurance company, now we are getting somewhere, I thought, but I couldn't seem to get to the right person to make that happen.  I called the insurance company back, after being on hold for what seemed like forever, the rep there asks for my doctors name and number, she is calling him, wow! But it's now 4:15pm, I know they won't get to them today, but maybe this week.... you know how that goes, the wheels of bureaucratic red tape turn very slow. 
But God.....Tuesday at 11:00 am the insurance company called back, no sweeter words did I hear that day than " We've managed to push the drug through you can order your Sutent it is covered".  I love it when God works so fast! When He shows that red tape is no match for His power.

Then I happen to remember Tuesday night as I was talking with my Dad.  When I first was told I had kidney cancer, during a time of worship and prayer, God told me, "I will walk you through this" and as if His hand was around my waist I felt a warmth there, and knew everything would be Okay.

You see God is faithful to fore fill all His promises, but we have to do our part.  I could have took no for an answer, but with the good advice of the friend, those around me sharing my plea to God for help, and my willingness to do my part, God was able to fore fill His promise to me; "I will walk you through this."

What is your storm? God has promised to always be with us.  Do your part and walk in faith, ask others to pray for you and pray bold prayers.  I'm still praying bold prayers and I am expecting God to finish this walk with me; all the way to NED, No Evidence of Disease. 

Internal Storm

I hope you enjoy this piece I wrote today- It was great news for me yesterday when my Doctor told me the IL2 Treatments are working- though I will need more treatments I will make through - God is with me!!

 

The Internal Storm

Driving alone in the car I feel the inner storm begin to rise.

The pit of my stomach fills with butterflies. 

Thoughts roll through my mind, blowing in and out.

A sense of dread swirls about. 

My grip on the steering wheel tightens in anticipation;

as I pull up to the building I see my reflection.

 

“Calm down” I whisper “God is near”

“You know He promised He’d always be here.”

 

Seeing the Doctor has evoked this fear

But hearing his words was music to my ears.

“The treatment is working” he said with some joy.

 

Storm now evaded a smile comes to my face,

Thank you Jesus for your unending Grace!

There Is No Place Like Home

Oh how good it feels to be home.  After 4 days of treatments, a total of 8, and 24 hours of being "watched".  I came home for Christmas.  Daily, sometimes it feels hourly, I get stronger.  In the first few days I could only eat very small meals, but now I'm ravenous!  Good or bad that's the way it is, maybe I'm just healing and not gaining weight. Ha wouldn't that be nice!

There are several lessons I have learned though this cancer ordeal so far, I know there will be more to come. 
One is that I am loved.  Loved by God, my friends, husband, children & my parents.
Two is I still hate needles.  Yup, that's all there is to that.
Three is only God will get you though a tough season.  He is my strength and my shelter.  The one I cry out too in frustration and in pain. The one I will praise with all my might.
Four is But for God..... But for God and through God I can do anything. 

Look I know there are people that are in a much worse place than me.  People that have lost children, spouses, parents. Maybe they have lost their homes, physical or mental abilities, or jobs.  However the lessons I am learning can be applied to any of these circumstances too.  Well maybe not the needle thing, but you know what I mean, He is with you through that too. 

But God, how many times is that phrase in the Bible?  The King James records it 43 times, here are a few-But God led, But God came,  But God shall, But God prepared, But God was with...,  and my favorite,  But God is faithful.  Through all the difficult seasons of our lives the one verse that I choose to remember is this:

 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us... Eph 2:4

So what ever you are going through remember "But God" loves you, is with you, is for you and is faithful to you.

Didn't God Hear Me?

So here we go... I say let the healing begin!  Today I head to Moffitt Cancer Center to begin the Interleukin 2  treatments.  The lymph node in my lung grew 2mm, not much but enough that the doctor wants to continue moving forward.  The good news is unlike the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I do have a brain!  The MRI showed no signs of lesions, tumors or bleeding.....basically no cancer. Good news there I'd say!

I admit that with all the prayers that I have said and all the prayers that have been prayed for me and over me for healing, I am a bit disappointed that I have to go through the treatments.  No one wants to go through this, you  know?  It would be so easy to ask "Why didn't God answer my prayers? " , "Doesn't God hear my Prayers?"  or even "What's the use of even praying?"  Doesn't the bible tell us in Psalms 103:3  "The LORD forgives our sins, heals us when we are sick"? 

The first thing to remember is that God loves us.

  God's love for us is wonderful; his faithfulness never ends. Shout praises to the LORD!  Psalms 117:2

Just as a parent loves their child, God loves us.  Not everything a child wants is good for them; or perhaps the timing isn't right.  I mean my 1 year old granddaughter can take a selfie. She is so cute as

One of 30 selfies on my phone.
 

she holds the phone up in the air and says "cheese" then repeated presses on the screen taking 15 pictures, but we aren't buying her an iPhone 6 anytime soon.    This is the way we have to trust God, sometime the answer is "Yes", sometimes "No"  and sometimes it is "Wait"

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36

And so I wait, God has not said "No" to me yet.  His timing is perfect and I fully trust the Lord  knows the perfect time to liberate me from this cancer season in my life. 

Thank You

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Though it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving celebration like years in the past; my lovely daughter in law was hosting the day and came down with the flu early that morning.  So, being as this nasty bug had been floating around here lately I opted to stay home.  That didn't stop me from being grateful and thankful for all things I had been given.
Grateful & thankful for things like- friends and family that have helped me through the last weeks, with cleaning, food and sweet surprises. For grandchildren's hugs, kisses and smiles. For my Children's willingness to come help in the middle of the night, take me places anytime I ask and help prepare meals in advance.  Oh, and their hugs, kisses and smiles too.  My hard working husband, that despite his concerns about me continues to press on to work everyday and then help around the house in the evening.  The elves that showed up to decorate my house for Christmas, (they promise to un-decorate too).  I'm thankful for everyone that has said they were praying for me. This has done more for me than you can ever know.
A friend gave me a beautifully girlie perpetual calendar. One of the inspirational thoughts in November was:

"She thought about everything  

she wanted to say to God and it all started with 

"Thank You". "

How lovely is that?!    Yes everything I want to say to God begins with "Thank You". And a big "Thank You" to you all too, you are truly a blessing in my life.

Love Sherry.

Fear

We all know the definition of 'fear' so I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but I wanted to take a  look at the word. I seem to be a bit obsessed with the meaning of "Fear" given I am to begin cancer treatments soon.   The dictionary I used gave the following definition:
1. ‌
‌  a. ‌ A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
‌  b. ‌ A state or condition marked by this feeling.‌
‌2. ‌ A feeling of disquiet or apprehension
‌3. ‌ Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
‌4. ‌ A reason for dread or apprehension

The definitions 1, 2 and 4 make me think of the type of fear I am currently dealing with in this field trip "Cancer".  The one thing that I tell myself every day is that God works all things for my good. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 

Notice the verse says ALL things, not some things, not just the good things that may be obvious to us, but all things good & bad!  Sort of hard to wrap your mind around isn't it.  If you were to list out your current fears it would show you the places in your heart that you need to develop more trust in God.  Start by choosing definition 3, fear being a reverence and awe of God.   I read somewhere recently that "Fear is a down payment on a

circumstance that may never happen."  I'm not sure who said that, but it makes good sense to me. 

 

There is no scary circumstance that God cannot make some good out of, keep your eyes & ears open and you will discover the good that can come from anything if you give all your fears over to Him. 

 

Prayer today-

God I give you my fears; my fear of needles, my fear of cancer, the fear of my altered life.  Take them and show me the great things you can make of them. I know there will be great testimonies coming, great opportunities to share your love, mercy and grace with others and I look forward to seeing it all. In Jesus name, Amen.





The Treatment Plan

Seems everyday I have a new learning experience.  This latest field trip called "Cancer"  has been a real education.  It is simply amazing how our bodies work.  Each part working with the others to keep us functioning. Then the wonders of how God knew to make 2 kidneys and 1 liver.  How would God know or why would God do that?  I am also amazed how much doctors have learned about cancer since the 1980s and yet how much is still unknown. 
The source of my cancer having been removed, the right kidney, it is possible the tumors in my lungs and the lymph node there may begin to shrink, but not likely.  So my oncologist and I discussed a treatment plan to take care of the renal cell cancer (RCC) that had metastasized (traveled to) my lungs and lymph node within my lung.  We reviewed several options and I decided on the High Dose Interleukin 2 (HDIL2) though the research shows only a 12% cure rate, it does have the highest success with the RCC clear cell cancers.  Other options where more on going and I preferred to have it done and over with as soon as possible.  If this doesn't show promise after my month out scan, we will look at other options.
Before I begin treatments  will have another MRI of my brain; the only place we haven't looked at is the brain and the bones. We may as well see what is going on up there- I wasn't born blond, but I do have plenty of blond moments!    Then another CT scan of my abdominal & chest areas to see if there are any changes in the tumor sizes- praying for shrinkage.....

Should there not be any changes in the tumors we will begin treatment.   It is my understanding the IL2 is a protein that our bodies make, this high dose sort of kick starts the immune system to begin fighting the offending cancer cells in the body. So it is not a Chemo treatment, but rather a protein. It is given through a PICC line every 8 hours for 5 days in the hospital. Each treatment requires about 15 minutes.  Then I will be home for 15 days, return to the hospital for another 5 day round and home again.  Four weeks later I have another scan, if we see progress we start another round of treatments, no progress, we look for other options.

Let me go back, a what line? A PICC line, a tube inserted into my arm and THREADED through my artery to my heart. My response "You're gonna what?!" "Are you going to put me out?"  "No, wha...Valium,  Can I take five?"  Yes, I hate needles, always have!  This would be what kept me from getting tattoos in my younger days.

This will be a long  road, but one that many have traveled before me some with great success. I choose to believe I will be one of those success stories.  God has brought me through so far and I will praise His name with every breath I take, with every decision that is made I trust Him to be guiding me through. 

 

I love you, God—

you make me strong.

God is bedrock under my feet,

the castle in which I live,

my rescuing knight.

My God—the high crag

where I run for dear life,

hiding behind the boulders,

safe in the granite hideout.
Psalm 18:1-2 MSG

With all my Heart

I continue to be so very thankful to God for all he has done in the last week.  The Surgeon has said that my surgery went as well as a major surgery could've gone. He had said the surgery was 5 hours, after a late start  3 hours later I was in recovery.  He had prepared us for blood transfusions since this type of surgery was considered a bloody one, though no transfusions were needed. All the nurses and aides that helped me at Moffitt were wonderful and I could tell they felt at ease in my room, since our conversations flowed freely as if we were all friends that we just hadn't met yet.  There was a wonderful peacefulness there that can only come from God.

Speaking of friends, I had an old friend show up to visit 4 days after surgery, I was so surprised!  As she poked her head in the door she said had brought two special friends. To my surprise it was Pastor Chipo from Celebration Church Zimbabwe Africa and her assistant.  They had come to the US to attend the Shine Women's Conference at Celebration Church Jacksonville Fl.  I've have attended this conference many years and had met Pastor Chipo and her husband Pastor Dixon at this church several times.  Of course this year the conference had fallen during the week that the doctors discovered my cancer and I was unable to attend.   I don't believe there was any way my friend Marsha knew I had met Pastor Chipo  or that Pastor Chipo knew that I knew Marsha, it just wouldn't have been a natural connection for anyone. God use these women to bring healing of a friendship, pray with me, bring joy to me that day by making me feel extra special & extra loved.
 That  must have put a little spring in my step because later that day as I was doing my walking in the hospital corridors; I saw a lady walking out of her room with assistance by an nurse's aide and another woman.  After I had past her I heard her say "I want to be like her, walking like her before I leave here."    So I today thank the Lord for the Crown of kindness and love He paces on my head, a crown that made me feel loved and a crown of kindness to inspire someone else today.

1 With all my heart

I praise the Lord,

and with all that I am

I praise his holy name!

2 With all my heart

I praise the Lord!

I will never forget

how kind he has been.

3 The Lord forgives our sins,

heals us when we are sick,

4 and protects us from death.

His kindness and love

are a crown on our heads.

                                                                   Pslams 103:1-4



 

Thank you God, you make me Brave

So tomorrow is the big surgery day.  Amazing all the little things we do throughout the week. Then
when you know you will be out of commission for a while you can take care of it in 3 days.  I had to vote, shop for a few things to take with me.  By the way, have you tried to shop for a light weight mid length robe? Sure, if I was going away for a romantic weekend or buying something for my 80 year old mother in law I could find plenty... but I don't think I want the hospital staff looking at me that way and I am not feeling 80 just yet.  But I digress, I paid bills, answered volumes of Facebook posts, emails and phone calls from well wishers  and I treasured every single one.  All the while working to keep my mind occupied.  Today I stopped, and took it all in; for the first time; all the people praying, people sharing my storm with others so they could pray in Uganda, United Kingdom, Australia, Canada and across the United States. So many praying, seeking God on my behalf; I am overwhelmed by the love I feel.
I know that God could heal me before the first cut, walk with me through this painful storm, or take me home to see Jesus. But I can tell you that I have an unexplainable peace about the outcome, in my heart I feel God is not done with me yet,  no matter what I will Praise God through it all.

I give you peace only I can give, so don't be worried or afraid.   John 14:27

I remember hearing when I was a child that the bible says "Count yourselves as blessed for the trials you go through".  What?  How could bad things be a blessing?

 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. James 1:2

I now understand that.  Though I do not want to go through the surgery, recovery and treatments, I know God is with me and God loves me.  My "trial" will be a testimony in some way to someone else. 

So today my prayer is in thanks. 
Thank you God for being bigger than my fears, my cancer and all my circumstances.  Thank you God for being my healer and restorer. Thank you God for always being with me.  Thank you God for your peace, peace I can only get from you.  Thank you God for guiding the surgeons hands and walking with me through yet another storm.  Thank you God for surrounding me with family & friends around the world willing to pray, ask and seek you on my behalf.   Thank you God for everything because You make me BRAVE!

  

I have WHAT?

What a long strange trip this week has been.  Beginning on Monday with a trip to the Doctor's office ending on Friday at Moffitt Cancer Center scheduling surgery for this week.  It was a whirlwind of tests and blood draws. Not to mention all the new words and medical terms that are thrown around.
Still reeling from hearing "you have a tumor in your right kidney"  I then hear unfamiliar medical jargon like, nephrectomy, IVC thrombectomy, metastasized, what does it all mean?  Bottom line is I have cancer in my right kidney and in the large artery (Inferior Vena Cava)  to which the kidney is attached  and the cancer has traveled to my lungs.  Wow....yes it was one heck of a field trip this last week. 

If you have read my past blogs you know that the last two years have been turbulent to say the least. After moving to Missouri for 14months and back to Florida only to have cataract surgery, lose my job, lose our house, a sever case of depression lasting 13 months, a trip to Washington to visit family that didn't go well to say the least, strep throat on return and now I have cancer. And not just any cancer, major surgery cancer.  I admit feeling a little like Job when God allowed him to be tested by Satan. Job lost everything -wealth, housing land, friends, family.  Even his wife told him he should curse God, but still Job praised God. 

21 Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

naked I’ll return to the womb of the earth.

God gives, God takes.

God’s name be ever blessed.

22 Not once through all this did Job sin; not once did he blame God.
Job 1:21-22

But what happens in the end of the story?  Job 42:12 begins-

Then the Lord blessed Job’s latter days

 more than his former ones.....

 

 

That's what I'm talking about!  Look, no pity party for me.  God has got this, God has my back on all this; He told me so.....  He could heal me before they even start surgery, or not, either way I will praise him with all I have. I will count myself as blessed by the many treasured prayers that go up to Him on my behalf.  I do not believe God is finished with me yet.  So I will not ask "why God?" ,  but "What"?  What are you up to God?  What is it God that you have so great coming for me that Satan desperately wants to separate me from it? 


Stay posted with me to travel my latest field trip... it's going to be a crazy ride.

 

 

Depression and this Christian Woman: This Means War

I believe in spiritual warfare.  We are warned numerous times in the Bible by many different authors that as Christians, we should be poised for attack.  In 1 Peter, Peter writes to remind Christians to:

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 NLT

Paul talks about the Armor God has supplied us with

11 “Put on God’s whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil. 12 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.” Ephesians 6:11-12 AMP

Yes we should be aware of spiritual attacks, and yes, God provides “Armor” for our battles.   In the battle we should know:       

To speak truth against Satan’s lies 

     God claims us righteous, 

     We need to fight to not fail in our faith

     Know we have salvation

And offensively  we: 

     Use the word of God. 

But the question I ask is -  Is every problem, mental or physical, we have a demonic attack?  
We can go from one extreme to the other on this subject. For me the words demonic attack conjure up images of the movie from my teen years- The Exorcist;  scared the bee-gee-bees out of me. There are people that think every bad thing that happens, every sin you commit  is from the devil or demons and that they need to be cast out.  
The other side is to totally ignore that it even exists despite the bible clearly tells us that it is real. I fall in the middle trying to achieve a balance .  Things I consider are- Jesus healed some, and cast demons out of some.  That tells me that not every issues had a demon attached to it. So Paul’s writings in Ephesians is to help us not only with the spiritual world, but to help us fight in the flesh our desire to sin in freewill.

I believe to fight spiritual warfare :

  We are to rely on God’s power not our own.  

  Protect ourselves with the armor God has provided.  

  Cast out what needs to be cast out and pray for strength to get through the things that don’t   need rebuking.  

  Grow your relationship with God 

  Remain humble in your relationship with God so that if you do need to rebuke   something, you can do so in Jesus’ name and not try to do it in your own.

To be continued....

Note:

Today I will be seeing a Doctor and will gladly pass on to you what I learn from him.  Until then, our Pastor is preaching a series called “Overwhelmed”. He shared this link on Face Book last week from New Spring Church’s blog. Pastor Perry Noble is the author of the book Overwhelmed and lead Pastor of the church.  This blog is written by Devin Stowers, and provides good information to keep in mind when dealing with someone you love that is depressed.  

http://newspring.cc/blog/articles/how-to-love-someone-whos-depressed

Depression and this Christian Woman: Part 3

Part 3 -
I'm Fine

I had known for years that I was called to women’s ministry.  If fact it was prophesied for me six years ago. Now several years after God had given me this dream, I was leading the women's’ ministry at our church. We had a ladies brunch one Saturday morning.  I had invited a friend to speak to the ladies from my church about her new book Equipping the Warrior Woman.  The medicine had me so out of it my thoughts were incoherent to my own mind, the words seem to come out like they were hyphenated,  I could hardly introduce her. Then she began describing me to the ladies in the room, as the woman she knew, the woman she had met years ago, complimenting me,  building me up to them, I thought  "who was she talking about?".    I certainly didn’t feel like the person she was describing, I couldn’t control my emotions and tears filled my eyes, desperately I wanted to run!  I wanted to get out of here before I become a teary mess!  How could someone say such nice things about me, this crazy tongue tied lady? 

To be successful in ministry, whether in a pastoral position or in another area,  I thought you had to “be” a certain way, present a persona that you had it together. This was the perception I had of other Christian women I had been around; some in ministry some were not, as I was viewing their lives from the outside it appeared they had the perfect life. They adored their husband and he also adored them.  They had the perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, and financially.... well that too was perfect.   How then could I be a successful leader? I am far perfect, I don’t have it all together at all! I’m on “so lost” for cryin’ out loud.   How could I possibly Iead anyone to Christ if they knew the truth about me, wasn’t that what it was all about, leading others to Christ, teaching and leading through example?  

My friend was so kind, she spoke beautifully, the ladies from the church loved her and the brunch, but for me it was a disaster.  Once again I had embarrassed myself.

When did it start? Why does it happen?

I suppose I have struggled with this depression most of my life; dealing with it with out medication from doctors, but instead with my self medication of drugs and alcohol. Throw in the teenage hormone rush, the female hormone rush, then later the female hormone drain add in doctors trying to regulate all that with pills; and I ask, is there any wonder why I felt like I had a three ring circus in my head most of my adult years.  Though I left the recreational drugs and alcohol behind the circus remained a unwelcome frequent visitor.  So I would see a doctor, stay on the meds a few years, go off for a few years then back on new meds for a few years. Never really knowing why I was feeling like this.   

My grandmother was always a little different, some thought she was a little crazy. I heard stories from my family about a  her sister my great aunt that committed suicide because she was crazy,  her brother my great uncle that was an alcoholic because he couldn’t deal with life, then there was a grandfather that had shock treatments because  they thought he had tried to kill his family.... could have been the moonshine, just sayin’,  he and his brothers did make their own.  There are stories of a Cherokee grandmother that would leave her house and children for days and go to the woods.....odd to say the least.   So I questioned,  did I just lack the life skills to adapt to my surroundings and the changes that life brings or was I really crazy- mentally ill?  Was it a missing chemical or chemical imbalance in my body? 

Was it a generational curse? Or could it be that God has such a great plan for the next season in my life that the devil just can’t stand it and is attacking me all these years?  I am still researching these possibilities, but for now I am making some changes.

Making Some Changes 

First let me preface this section with these statements; I am not a doctor!  My husband is not a doctor.  I do not have doctors in my family.  My friends are not doctors. I am just telling you what I am now trying.  I will be seeing a new doctor in two weeks, so this may change again.  Taking or stopping antidepressants is dangerous, if you are taking or stopping please be very careful and consult your doctor if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, others or any other problematic symptoms. 

My current doctor had made changes to the medicines that was taking.  Raised the dosage of one anti depressant, wellbuterin, raised the dosage of the drug to help my under active thyroid, and swapped out the anti depressant Zoloft for Effexor with a higher dosage.  I followed his instructions for over a month, things just got worse for me.  So I did some research.  Side effects of Effexor- panic attacks.  Over active thyroid symptoms, depression, weight gain, and high cholesterol. I didn't mention I was on Lipitor too.  I quit Effexor & started my remaining  Zoloft. The panic attacks came less frequently and now I have perhaps 1 a week.  Finally at the urging of my husband to get off all the junk that had been prescribed, I began tapering off the Zoloft  and have stopped the wellbuterin .  
Now that I  am beginning to think clearer my thoughts are returning to what I do know;  that this depression was not from God. God breathes life into us. It is the evil one comes to rob us of that God breathed life.  The Bible warns us  he comes to kill, steal and destroy by any means he can.  A warning for some of you, if you are strong enough to stand, to press in, and determined to prevail in completing the task God has called you to do, be careful! If Satan cannot stop you he will push you too far.  Be fully present,  for there is spiritual warfare all around us. 


I am Fearfully & Wonderfully Made
Next week I am going to go into "What I do know" from God's word. Some of the  promises that God has given us all that relate to me and my depression struggles.  I hope that this will help you or someone you know with their fight. 

Depression and This Christian Woman: Part 2

I have had such an out pouring of support and questions both public and private about my struggle that I have decided to continue my story instead of waiting until next week.  Thank you all for contacting me and supporting me through this tough time.

So how’s your new job?

All my friends knew I had been looking for work.  I was offered what appeared to be the perfect position for me.  I had given God my “wish list” for a position and He had blessed me.   The job was close to home, good money, part time, no weekends, no travel, a Christian business, and one that would allow me to take off for two conferences this year I had already paid for, one of which was just a month a way. After 2 interviews I was hired.  But I couldn’t go.  My panic attacks kept me in a teary mess every time I even thought about the job.   This guy was so nice, he deserved someone so much better than me.  Someone that could give 110%.  I was not that person right now, I need eye surgery, I was mentally unstable and heaven forbid he should actually depend on me- what if I failed him?  Writing the email to my prospective employer declining the job offer was both a relief and heartbreaking.  I felt I was doing the right thing for him, but in turning down the job was I denying myself what God had for me?  Was I in a sense throwing it back in God's face..... thanks but no thanks God, I will get this on my own.  Time to sink back into the pit.

How embarrassing to now tell my friends and family that I just couldn’t take the perfect job, the job that God had obviously orchestrated just for me.  And now I would also have to talk about the depression.The embarrassment was almost too much, I resorted to my latest way of dealing with uncomfortable situations avoidance or humor.  So if I couldn’t avoid the topic I would joke about my “craziness”, my crazy doctor and “crazy pills” aka Zolft.  If I was forgetful, panicked or overwhelmed, my standard comment was “ Well that’s what happens when you’re crazy and taking “so lost” pills. “    

Some friends and family responded empathetically, having gone through depression or knew someone close to them that had.  Others couldn’t imagine that could happen to me. “You are so outgoing, I never saw any signs.”  Most everyone I have spoken to that suffers from depression has heard the same thing, no one could have imagined they were suffering. Rarely will anyone see the outward signs unless you have a very close relationship with them. It is the mask we wear that prevents others from seeing the “real” you, or the “authentic” you.  I add authentic to the description because there are some of us that think we have to step out of our true personality to be seen as accomplished.  This can be an exhausting facade to keep up, if you happen to be prone to depression it will eventually wear you out and the downward spiral will begin.  

To be continued......

Depression and This Christian Woman

Let's Get Real

Well it has been quite a while since I have written. I am sorry if I have let you down .  If you have come to expect a weekly blog of encouragement from me, and see nothing new.  If you were wanting to read a little humor to enlighten the drudgery that can come in our average day, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.  I was unavailable.....

I was unavailable because my true self took a break in October and depression took over my life. I am about to get very real here because someone else needs to hear my story.  Someone needs to know that you are not alone, that you are not the only one that is unavailable at times. 

It can start with a lost job or something  as simple as a small a disagreement or some hurt feelings, then like me,  before you know it you are in a full downward spiral. 

I did see a doctor, he gave me new medication and adjusted some other meds but that sent me into panic attacks. Unable to really leave my house I was left to my own tears and fears.  Oh I tried to go out if even to the pharmacy for a refill, but pulling into the parking lot the panic would come- “Nope not going in there today, not happenin’.”  and I would head home.

Afraid to take the meds, but afraid not to, my thoughts turned to God. As a Christian woman you would think I would recognize the the spiritual warfare going on, that I would be crying out to God for healing and protection. In fact I did try to tell myself to cry out to God for help, read my devotions, if nothing else just say “Jesus”!   I wish I could say I did cry out and God helped me. 

We all have heard that attitude/happiness is a choice, but the chemical imbalance, removes all balance from your life, without that rhythmic balance there really is not a choice.  It just isn't that simple and is hurtful to hear this from people that don't know what you are going through.   For me, it was as if my mind would create a roadblock, blocking the connection I knew I needed with God to get out of this place.

In depression the things you normally would find comforting can become lost.  So this place of sadness, of hopelessness almost becomes the comfortable familiar place.  As I was sucked deeper into the pit I had a sort of calmness inside as long as I didn’t “think”, as along as I zoned into mindless TV watching or slept endless hours the more comfortable and calm I became in my pit. But if the thoughts couldn’t be stopped I find myself asking “Why God?”.  I cried out disparately, but not for what you would think a Christian woman would cry out for;  it wasn’t why me, It wasn’t why won’t you heal me. It was “Why God would you do this to my family?  Why do they have to suffer through my crazy mess?  Why God can’t you just take me now and relieve us all?”

I know this is a dark subject, but for the next few weeks I am going to share my journey with you.  I hope you will hang in there with me as I travel a road of discovery & recovery.

Goodbye 2013

Like many others I have been reflecting on what has happened in the past year.  There is so much to think about, why did it happen, what did I learn, how could I have prevented it or made it better.  

There will always be things out of our control- like when I lost my job, or things that can’t be made better, like the birth of my beautiful granddaughter.  But if you look into the hard times, generally there is at least a lesson to be learned.  I don’t believe that God will lead us into circumstances to teach a lesson, but our free will does lead us to places at times that God will use as teachable moments. 

In January during my fast I realized I was depending on food more than God, so I began listening more closely for Him; which turned out to be a good thing  because God began preparing me for a my job loss. In May the day before of my release, God confirmed it.  Through that I learned that I had placed my identity in the job and not in Christ. 

This all lead to the short sale of our home. Without my income we are more focused on trusting God with our finances and providing the things we need, not what we want.  

And provide He has! A house to rent in a great area close to our children and at a good price.  Prefect for the connect groups from our church, friends and family to gather and have fun.  All the grand kids live closer to us now so we can enjoy frequent visits and craft projects with lots of glue and glitter....

The Lord is my strength and shield.    I trust him with all my heart.He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.    I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalms 28:7

Then there is  blessing of our new grand girl in September; she constantly smiles for everyone to reminding us that just seeing a smile can make feel happier. 

God has placed a wonderful group of women in my life to encourage and support me in this last year.  Friendships that will last a lifetime. I pray that I have been a blessing to them as well.

There were emotional times too, hurts that I don’t understand but I am trusting God to heal in due time. I know there is something to be learned from them too, perhaps it is unconditional love.

All in all 2013 was eventful year and at times the 3 ring circus was reeling in my head. There were circumstances I know I couldn’t have ever gotten through without knowing God was with me, for me, and loving me through it all.  Remember, no circumstance is ever a waste if you learn something from it, and know God will help you through it all. Just listen for Him; He is there waiting on you.

Learning to Let Go

Forgiveness can be a difficult thing to do for a lot of people, but forgetting is even harder.  When the hurt comes from a family member or a Christian it can be even more difficult to deal with so knowing what to say and what not to say becomes an issue.  

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.  Proverbs 15:1

Oh how hard choosing those gentle words can be, I become torn between showing my feelings and trying not to hurt the other person.  My inside crazy freak out woman says “Oh no you didn’t just say that...” While the Christian Mother says, “ Well now bless their heart, they don’t really mean that....”  So at times I become paralyzed and do nothing.  I let my mind go over every word, every past hurt, every past mistake and the downward spiral continues until I can apply the emergency break. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

God is the emergency break. Realizing what is God’s job and what is your job will put the breaks on the emotional roller coaster. Being grateful for all God has done and will do for you will also apply the breaks- It is very difficult if not impossible to have a grateful heart and a tormented heart at the same time. 

When someone receives God into their heart, God doesn’t want to let them go.  He stays within our hearts always. 

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Proverbs 22:6

A comforting verse, I know first hand it is true, I have seen it and lived it.  So I will learn to let go, forgive, forget and let God do His job....mine is simply to love, be available when needed & pray.

What's Important To You?

Think about that, and really be honest with yourself and ask what is important to you. Is it to be wealthy ? Is it to be famous? Or are you half way committed to family and half way to a worldly goal? Perhaps you aren’t really committed to anything and prefer to “ go with the flow”.  

Whatever you are committing yourself to now will determine your future life.  So if you aren’t committed to anything or are committed to things that do not share the same values you are likely to end up frustrated or floating in mediocrity.  If you focus more on the worldly ways of wealth and fame, you risk being bitter and disappointed in what your life has become. 

I speak from experience here, early in life I made poor choices, some that have come back to bite me.  My choices were self centered and lacking wisdom concerning my future.  I was living day to day, going with the flow of the world and partying my way through life. I made little effort towards getting an education until in my 30’s when it became apparent I needed more knowledge to get on with my worldly goals.  My family truly suffered, both my relationship with my parents and little did I know the relationship with my children, I just couldn’t see past today.

So everything will be destroyed. And what kind of people should you be? You should lead holy and godly lives. 2 Peter 3:11 NIRV

In the last several years I have developed a wonderful relationship with God, and with His help I have made a complete turn around in my  life. The lines between the families, step & biological, became amazingly blurred.   Holidays and birthdays have become times with “friends”; no resentment of each other, just our crazy functional-dysfunctional  family. People were amazed that we could all get along.  Though we would explain that it hadn’t aways been that way, I am sure everyone agrees we are grateful that we let God take control and make things right between us.  

There are some relationships that still need work, however long it takes, I will give that to God to work on; I know it is not my job to repair everything, but is God’s job.

However you don’t have to wait; stop, think about what is important to you today, before it is too late and you have repair broken relationships or end up living a frustrated meaningless life. Let God direct your way, you may not understand where he is leading you, but you don’t have to, He sees the whole picture of your life- you don’t.

What's in your pockets?

How many times have you read something and not really get it until a moment in your life when you really needed it. Does that make sense?  

I read a scripture from Proverbs that I have read many times, Proverbs 3:3.  We have all heard Pastors and speakers tell us to "get the word deep in your heart" or "write them on the tablet of your heart".  I guess I always knew what that meant, but never really thought too much about it until I needed it.  In the Encarta world Dictionary one meaning of Write is  "to ordain or prophesy what will happen in the future". 

In the verse Proverbs 3:3 NKJV we are told to let not mercy & truth forsake you bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 

 In the NLT the verses reads; Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder; Write them deep within your heart. 

Mercy & Truth.  Loyalty & Kindness.  We can prophesy that they will happen in the future.  We can ordain that they will happen in the future. 

For me keeping it in "my heart" is like keeping something in your pocket.  It is there when you need it.  So by keeping Kindness, let's say, in my pocket, I can ordain or command myself to show kindness;  at a time I really need it.  Like when the guy cuts me off in traffic...

I can prophesy Mercy, it's in my pocket, I have it when I need it; I will reveal (show) God’s mercy & compassion to others; I am predicting it, because I am prepared. 

Life is full of the unexpected, many times you are going to have to check what is in your pockets.  Will they be full of lint or the good stuff.......