Didn't God Hear Me?

So here we go... I say let the healing begin!  Today I head to Moffitt Cancer Center to begin the Interleukin 2  treatments.  The lymph node in my lung grew 2mm, not much but enough that the doctor wants to continue moving forward.  The good news is unlike the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I do have a brain!  The MRI showed no signs of lesions, tumors or bleeding.....basically no cancer. Good news there I'd say!

I admit that with all the prayers that I have said and all the prayers that have been prayed for me and over me for healing, I am a bit disappointed that I have to go through the treatments.  No one wants to go through this, you  know?  It would be so easy to ask "Why didn't God answer my prayers? " , "Doesn't God hear my Prayers?"  or even "What's the use of even praying?"  Doesn't the bible tell us in Psalms 103:3  "The LORD forgives our sins, heals us when we are sick"? 

The first thing to remember is that God loves us.

  God's love for us is wonderful; his faithfulness never ends. Shout praises to the LORD!  Psalms 117:2

Just as a parent loves their child, God loves us.  Not everything a child wants is good for them; or perhaps the timing isn't right.  I mean my 1 year old granddaughter can take a selfie. She is so cute as

One of 30 selfies on my phone.
 

she holds the phone up in the air and says "cheese" then repeated presses on the screen taking 15 pictures, but we aren't buying her an iPhone 6 anytime soon.    This is the way we have to trust God, sometime the answer is "Yes", sometimes "No"  and sometimes it is "Wait"

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36

And so I wait, God has not said "No" to me yet.  His timing is perfect and I fully trust the Lord  knows the perfect time to liberate me from this cancer season in my life. 

Trip to the Tag Office....

So it has been a pretty busy week(s) for me and I obviously haven’t written lately.  I have taken a part time job, pay isn’t much but it certainly helps,  I enjoy it and it gets me out of the house.  Learning a new job and keeping up with the other “normal” household duties I have has been, well eye opening after a year off work.  But I am making it work. 

We just sold our boat and upon searching through what seemed like endless papers, I discovered we had not received the title to it from the state after our “big move”.  After a call to the Tax collector’s office I was told it was sent back to Tallahassee because of an address issue....Great, I thought, this could take months!  But alas- there was a light, it seems it was their fault and would reprint it for free. What, get out!  The state was not only taking ownership of a mistake, but giving me something for me free?  

So I head to the tax collectors office, but in finding a parking place, I was not so lucky.  I finally spy a place near the police station, using my best parallel parking skills I get into the space. During this time a line of children and several officers come out of the building, one officer does a double take of me in the car... thinking he was must be admiring my skillful parking, I put the car in park and proceed to turn off the engine as he looks again and says “Stop”. What’s this, I think, perhaps a compliment?  He says” Abort!  See that lady right there, she has a radar on you and is just waiting to give you a ticket.”  What!  Shocked I turn to see a meter maid chuckling as I squirm.  “You see that sign?” the officer says, “This area is for police vehicles only, I am going to just give you a warning, you’ll have to move the car.”  Whew. no I had not seen the sign blocked by the palm tree fronds.  I thanked him anyway and moved my car to another space.  

I walked into the Tag Office  and get this.... no one in line!  Just me!  Amazing, I present my papers, and ID, ahem, ID...forgot my drivers license,  good thing the officer let me go earlier. I head home grab my wallet, double check the license is inside, and head back to the Tag Office. On arrival I carefully avoid the “restricted Parking” area, then head inside to a line of about 20 people.  Finally number 145 is called and head back to station 12.  A very helpful woman did print my Boat Title for free, and charged me $25.00 to change my address on my license to match the current address on the power of attorney I had to bring with me to get the title.  Sigh.

He does not fear bad news. He is confident; he trusts in the Lord. Pslams 112:7 NET

To that I say Amen! 

And at least I only locked myself out of the house once this week.

Goodbye 2013

Like many others I have been reflecting on what has happened in the past year.  There is so much to think about, why did it happen, what did I learn, how could I have prevented it or made it better.  

There will always be things out of our control- like when I lost my job, or things that can’t be made better, like the birth of my beautiful granddaughter.  But if you look into the hard times, generally there is at least a lesson to be learned.  I don’t believe that God will lead us into circumstances to teach a lesson, but our free will does lead us to places at times that God will use as teachable moments. 

In January during my fast I realized I was depending on food more than God, so I began listening more closely for Him; which turned out to be a good thing  because God began preparing me for a my job loss. In May the day before of my release, God confirmed it.  Through that I learned that I had placed my identity in the job and not in Christ. 

This all lead to the short sale of our home. Without my income we are more focused on trusting God with our finances and providing the things we need, not what we want.  

And provide He has! A house to rent in a great area close to our children and at a good price.  Prefect for the connect groups from our church, friends and family to gather and have fun.  All the grand kids live closer to us now so we can enjoy frequent visits and craft projects with lots of glue and glitter....

The Lord is my strength and shield.    I trust him with all my heart.He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.    I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalms 28:7

Then there is  blessing of our new grand girl in September; she constantly smiles for everyone to reminding us that just seeing a smile can make feel happier. 

God has placed a wonderful group of women in my life to encourage and support me in this last year.  Friendships that will last a lifetime. I pray that I have been a blessing to them as well.

There were emotional times too, hurts that I don’t understand but I am trusting God to heal in due time. I know there is something to be learned from them too, perhaps it is unconditional love.

All in all 2013 was eventful year and at times the 3 ring circus was reeling in my head. There were circumstances I know I couldn’t have ever gotten through without knowing God was with me, for me, and loving me through it all.  Remember, no circumstance is ever a waste if you learn something from it, and know God will help you through it all. Just listen for Him; He is there waiting on you.

No more Masks

No more masks. For years I wore the mask of happiness and confidence.  Having difficulties in my marriage, my job and finances, anytime I had to be in public I put on the mask so no one could see my faults, insecurities or what I considered to be my failures.  It was exhausting and took its toll on me mentally and physically.  My doctor prescribed drugs for depression, and after losing three days I began to function with the drugs in my system. That’s pretty scary in it’s self right?  Life was good for a while; but then the same tune started playing in my head -  doot doot, doodle, doodle, doot, doot, do do… You can hear it can’t you…. the three-ring circus,  well out comes the masks.

“ Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”

James 5:16

 Perhaps if I had lived out this verse, things could have been different.  But I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could “confess” to and well, who wants to do that anyway?

It is in the darkness we hide, (mask) our sins (faults, insecurities and failures).  Look for a trusted friend that you can share your feelings with; someone that will pray with you, heartfelt prayers for your healing and restoration. Confessing these things, bringing light the dark areas of your life, is freeing and opens you up for God to use you to heal & help others that may be going through the same thing. 

Since I have lost my job, my home is in short sale and my finances are much, much lower than they have ever been, I feel freer than I ever have. I should be hearing the pipe organ for the three-ring circus, but I feel peace! It’s all out in the open and no mask required. I have trusted friends I have asked for prayer. 

I am trusting God, doing my part and knowing that whatever the outcome, God is in control and has my interests - because I am on His best list ( Insert Big Smile Here).

Is it an earworm or is it God?

There is a song that has been playing in my head for the last week. Every morning I wake with the chorus playing over & over again. I do love the song, so I don’t mind.

If there’s a road I should walk


Help me find it


If I need to be still


Give me peace for the moment


Whatever Your will


Whatever Your will


Can you help me find it


Can you help me find it  

                Sidewalk Prophets

Two verses in Psalms come to mind when I hear this,

"Be still and know that I am God…” Psalms 46:20

"Your word is a lamp at feet, a light for my path." Psalms 119:105

Being still and trusting God on is a learned experience. Especially if you happen to be a person that likes to pick up the ball & run with it like me.  There were hard lessons along the road for me, some that cost me money, others my pride.

Now that I feel I am (for the most part) on the other side of that learning process I have a more “peaceful” spirit.

Do I fall back into the, “I can do it myself” mode? Yes occasionally I do, and sometimes what I think God is telling me is wrong.  I don’t always get it right, but that is OK.  

Usually when I have a song repeating in my head I'm sure God is trying to tell me something, like an earworm put there by God to get my attention...so the chorus has been my prayer;  I ask Him to help me find the path He has chosen for me. God already knows I'm not that smart sometimes,  Hummm, maybe that's why I hear a song for weeks on end- He's just makin' sure I get the message.