Christmas Time- Warrior Time

Oh Christmas time is here!  Today I had a joyful morning with the grand kids making Christmas cookies, coo coos as CeCe calls them.  My house was filled with children's voices, flour everywhere and more sugar crystals and icing than any child should eat in one day! Made them sound like little warriors!

 Ah, the ciaos that is my family. My health care worker came by in the middle of it all to check my picc line and take my vitals.  I am sure she was expecting a raised blood pressure with all the noise & laughter of the kids, but it was actually down- " so this must agree with you", she says.  Well that is an understatement!  "Yes", I said. " I refuse to let cancer stop me from having a good time with my grand babies."  This year my Christmas time is also a Warrior time.

You see Jesus is described as a "Mighty Warrior".  And we are all called to be like Him.  In fact in John 14 Jesus is quoted "whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do"  So if Jesus is a warrior I will be a warrior too, and not just in my Christmas shopping bargain hunting.  There is a store closing in my neighborhood and I got the best deals! Shorts $5, bathing suit $6.... but I digress. 

Not only is it good news that we can be a warrior like Jesus, but in Isaiah we are told that the Lord will renew our strength!

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

That's great news isn't it! We place our faith in him and He is working for us.  Working in our health, our finances, relationships, renewing our strength to get through it all.  I know it's hard to give it all over and trust, to "feel" Him renewing our strength, I need to remind myself daily, through prayer, and reading God's word.
Don't give up! Be a Warrior!

There Is No Place Like Home

Oh how good it feels to be home.  After 4 days of treatments, a total of 8, and 24 hours of being "watched".  I came home for Christmas.  Daily, sometimes it feels hourly, I get stronger.  In the first few days I could only eat very small meals, but now I'm ravenous!  Good or bad that's the way it is, maybe I'm just healing and not gaining weight. Ha wouldn't that be nice!

There are several lessons I have learned though this cancer ordeal so far, I know there will be more to come. 
One is that I am loved.  Loved by God, my friends, husband, children & my parents.
Two is I still hate needles.  Yup, that's all there is to that.
Three is only God will get you though a tough season.  He is my strength and my shelter.  The one I cry out too in frustration and in pain. The one I will praise with all my might.
Four is But for God..... But for God and through God I can do anything. 

Look I know there are people that are in a much worse place than me.  People that have lost children, spouses, parents. Maybe they have lost their homes, physical or mental abilities, or jobs.  However the lessons I am learning can be applied to any of these circumstances too.  Well maybe not the needle thing, but you know what I mean, He is with you through that too. 

But God, how many times is that phrase in the Bible?  The King James records it 43 times, here are a few-But God led, But God came,  But God shall, But God prepared, But God was with...,  and my favorite,  But God is faithful.  Through all the difficult seasons of our lives the one verse that I choose to remember is this:

 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us... Eph 2:4

So what ever you are going through remember "But God" loves you, is with you, is for you and is faithful to you.

Didn't God Hear Me?

So here we go... I say let the healing begin!  Today I head to Moffitt Cancer Center to begin the Interleukin 2  treatments.  The lymph node in my lung grew 2mm, not much but enough that the doctor wants to continue moving forward.  The good news is unlike the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I do have a brain!  The MRI showed no signs of lesions, tumors or bleeding.....basically no cancer. Good news there I'd say!

I admit that with all the prayers that I have said and all the prayers that have been prayed for me and over me for healing, I am a bit disappointed that I have to go through the treatments.  No one wants to go through this, you  know?  It would be so easy to ask "Why didn't God answer my prayers? " , "Doesn't God hear my Prayers?"  or even "What's the use of even praying?"  Doesn't the bible tell us in Psalms 103:3  "The LORD forgives our sins, heals us when we are sick"? 

The first thing to remember is that God loves us.

  God's love for us is wonderful; his faithfulness never ends. Shout praises to the LORD!  Psalms 117:2

Just as a parent loves their child, God loves us.  Not everything a child wants is good for them; or perhaps the timing isn't right.  I mean my 1 year old granddaughter can take a selfie. She is so cute as

One of 30 selfies on my phone.
 

she holds the phone up in the air and says "cheese" then repeated presses on the screen taking 15 pictures, but we aren't buying her an iPhone 6 anytime soon.    This is the way we have to trust God, sometime the answer is "Yes", sometimes "No"  and sometimes it is "Wait"

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36

And so I wait, God has not said "No" to me yet.  His timing is perfect and I fully trust the Lord  knows the perfect time to liberate me from this cancer season in my life. 

Thank You

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Though it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving celebration like years in the past; my lovely daughter in law was hosting the day and came down with the flu early that morning.  So, being as this nasty bug had been floating around here lately I opted to stay home.  That didn't stop me from being grateful and thankful for all things I had been given.
Grateful & thankful for things like- friends and family that have helped me through the last weeks, with cleaning, food and sweet surprises. For grandchildren's hugs, kisses and smiles. For my Children's willingness to come help in the middle of the night, take me places anytime I ask and help prepare meals in advance.  Oh, and their hugs, kisses and smiles too.  My hard working husband, that despite his concerns about me continues to press on to work everyday and then help around the house in the evening.  The elves that showed up to decorate my house for Christmas, (they promise to un-decorate too).  I'm thankful for everyone that has said they were praying for me. This has done more for me than you can ever know.
A friend gave me a beautifully girlie perpetual calendar. One of the inspirational thoughts in November was:

"She thought about everything  

she wanted to say to God and it all started with 

"Thank You". "

How lovely is that?!    Yes everything I want to say to God begins with "Thank You". And a big "Thank You" to you all too, you are truly a blessing in my life.

Love Sherry.

Fear

We all know the definition of 'fear' so I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but I wanted to take a  look at the word. I seem to be a bit obsessed with the meaning of "Fear" given I am to begin cancer treatments soon.   The dictionary I used gave the following definition:
1. ‌
‌  a. ‌ A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
‌  b. ‌ A state or condition marked by this feeling.‌
‌2. ‌ A feeling of disquiet or apprehension
‌3. ‌ Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
‌4. ‌ A reason for dread or apprehension

The definitions 1, 2 and 4 make me think of the type of fear I am currently dealing with in this field trip "Cancer".  The one thing that I tell myself every day is that God works all things for my good. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 

Notice the verse says ALL things, not some things, not just the good things that may be obvious to us, but all things good & bad!  Sort of hard to wrap your mind around isn't it.  If you were to list out your current fears it would show you the places in your heart that you need to develop more trust in God.  Start by choosing definition 3, fear being a reverence and awe of God.   I read somewhere recently that "Fear is a down payment on a

circumstance that may never happen."  I'm not sure who said that, but it makes good sense to me. 

 

There is no scary circumstance that God cannot make some good out of, keep your eyes & ears open and you will discover the good that can come from anything if you give all your fears over to Him. 

 

Prayer today-

God I give you my fears; my fear of needles, my fear of cancer, the fear of my altered life.  Take them and show me the great things you can make of them. I know there will be great testimonies coming, great opportunities to share your love, mercy and grace with others and I look forward to seeing it all. In Jesus name, Amen.





The Treatment Plan

Seems everyday I have a new learning experience.  This latest field trip called "Cancer"  has been a real education.  It is simply amazing how our bodies work.  Each part working with the others to keep us functioning. Then the wonders of how God knew to make 2 kidneys and 1 liver.  How would God know or why would God do that?  I am also amazed how much doctors have learned about cancer since the 1980s and yet how much is still unknown. 
The source of my cancer having been removed, the right kidney, it is possible the tumors in my lungs and the lymph node there may begin to shrink, but not likely.  So my oncologist and I discussed a treatment plan to take care of the renal cell cancer (RCC) that had metastasized (traveled to) my lungs and lymph node within my lung.  We reviewed several options and I decided on the High Dose Interleukin 2 (HDIL2) though the research shows only a 12% cure rate, it does have the highest success with the RCC clear cell cancers.  Other options where more on going and I preferred to have it done and over with as soon as possible.  If this doesn't show promise after my month out scan, we will look at other options.
Before I begin treatments  will have another MRI of my brain; the only place we haven't looked at is the brain and the bones. We may as well see what is going on up there- I wasn't born blond, but I do have plenty of blond moments!    Then another CT scan of my abdominal & chest areas to see if there are any changes in the tumor sizes- praying for shrinkage.....

Should there not be any changes in the tumors we will begin treatment.   It is my understanding the IL2 is a protein that our bodies make, this high dose sort of kick starts the immune system to begin fighting the offending cancer cells in the body. So it is not a Chemo treatment, but rather a protein. It is given through a PICC line every 8 hours for 5 days in the hospital. Each treatment requires about 15 minutes.  Then I will be home for 15 days, return to the hospital for another 5 day round and home again.  Four weeks later I have another scan, if we see progress we start another round of treatments, no progress, we look for other options.

Let me go back, a what line? A PICC line, a tube inserted into my arm and THREADED through my artery to my heart. My response "You're gonna what?!" "Are you going to put me out?"  "No, wha...Valium,  Can I take five?"  Yes, I hate needles, always have!  This would be what kept me from getting tattoos in my younger days.

This will be a long  road, but one that many have traveled before me some with great success. I choose to believe I will be one of those success stories.  God has brought me through so far and I will praise His name with every breath I take, with every decision that is made I trust Him to be guiding me through. 

 

I love you, God—

you make me strong.

God is bedrock under my feet,

the castle in which I live,

my rescuing knight.

My God—the high crag

where I run for dear life,

hiding behind the boulders,

safe in the granite hideout.
Psalm 18:1-2 MSG

But Wait- There Are Sick People in There!

Last blog I started out with what a difference a day makes, but wow, what a difference a few hours can make- good or bad.  On Monday I hadn't felt very good all day so I mostly rested.  By 10:30 that evening I was vomiting and I mean in a bad way.  After each episode  I would take a sip of water and think, "Ok, that is it, now I can sleep",   But with just that tiny sip of water on my stomach I was up again hugging my abdomen like I would split apart if I didn't hold it together.  By 1:30am I realized I needed some help and woke my husband Steve.  From there it was all down hill. By now I was not only throwing up but crying. So many emotions- Steve had to work in the morning, my 81 year old Mother in Law, who is in from Michigan to help with things, is now up.  I didn't know if we should go to a local hospital or to Tampa's Moffitt where I had the surgery, should I call my Doctor? So confused I threw up once more and ask Steve to call my son to start a prayer chain, " But it's 2:00 in the morning." he said.  "I don't care I need prayer!" I said.  Then I got up off the bathroom floor;  unable to support myself any longer, and in a cold sweat,  I landed at the foot of my bed. My Mother in law is there to support me, rubbing my back, using a cool cloth on my forehead and providing me ice chips.  The next thing I know my son & Steve are helping me to the car and we are headed to the closest hospital.  My surgeon's associate calls to assure us we are doing the right thing and after an assessment is made of my health he asked that Steve call him back to discuss our next move.

The last place I wanted to be was the hospital.  What if there was something wrong and I needed more surgery....what if.... well there are sick people in there!
But the hospital was the place I needed to go.  We arrived at the hospital and check in at 3:30am, and wait, and wait finally they call me back to triage only to get my info and send me back to the waiting area.  What?!  All I could do is sit and cry to Jesus for help.  And why Jesus, "why won't they help me?" At 5:30am I'm called back again,  they wanted blood work and an IV, yes I am going to get help I thought.  Fluids, that is all I need.  Four tubes of blood taken and the tech can't flush the IV so I can have fluids through that IV,  so he decides to try a vein in my hand- below the original site- now I am no medical person, I hate this stuff, but tying off just above the original site so soon seems to me to be a given no go to me.  The vein in the original site blew as did the one he was trying to use in the back of my hand.  So back to the waiting are I went, by 6:50 I was in a room. My surgeon form Tampa calls Steve- "Hey what is going on, I thought you were calling me back?" Well, Steve says we haven't spoke to anyone yet.
 At about 7:40 the DR comes in, and checks my incision and asks for x-ray, IV of fluid, nausea med and pain med.  20 minutes later I have an IV, only, yes just the IV.  Eight- thirty I had x-rays and by 9:30 I still do not have any fluid, nausea or pain meds..  The nurse finally arrives with it all and I am at ease.  Ten minutes later the Doctor comes in and there is no blockage on the x-ray, nothing I did was the  cause the vomiting and dehydration, no explanation just something that happens with major surgery sometimes. When the bag of fluid is gone he said I could go home.  By 10:15 I had requested to be released the IV be taken out, we are gone by 11:00am. 
Is this normal? Seven and a half hours?  I don't know, but I can also tell you; that not one of the those 7 people that touched me washed their hands or used hand sanitizer.  Actually there was one nurse while in my room for the 3rd time did use the hand sanitizer.  I remember this because when she pulled the nozzle to release the foam it squirted all the way back to my bed.  They did all use gloves, but that doesn't say much as far as I am concerned.  Remember I was at Moffitt for a week where they told me to watch for these things and not to let anyone touch you that has not gone through the hand sanitizing procedures.  So Why did I not speak up?  Intimidation? Perhaps but mostly I was sick!  People that are sick don't think clearly.  They are at the mercies of those that are called to the medical field to save and help others. 
The bottom line I suppose is this; we are responsible for ourselves.  If you are with a loved one in a similar scenario, be aware, be fully present and watch out for them.  If you don't understand -ask questions on their behalf.  Pray! Pray with them, for them and ask others to pray too.  It wasn't until I began to cry out to Jesus that the vomiting ceased, and a little sleep came, through that I began to feel better. My hope is in the Lord not other people. Jesus is our great healer, our peace in the storm, and our rock.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will take up wings like eagles. They will run and not struggle. They will walk and not tire. Isaiah 40:31 

A friend sent that verse to me today, I must say I am ready to have renewed strength, to run with out a struggle and walk with tiring... My hope is in the Lord.  Amen.

I am....

What a difference a few days can make.  Being home now and 10 days after surgery I am still moving slowly but can honestly say I feel better everyday.  So I went to church today; that did me as much good as any medicine I could have received.  All the hugs and well wishers letting me know they had been praying for me; telling me how much they cared for me was like a shot of love... if there was such a thing.

Today I thought back to just 10 months ago when I was in the pit of depression.  About the three ring circus that played it's pipe organ in my head, the lies Satan had told me that started in one ring only to fuel the second ring then he third.  Lies of being unloved and unworthy. The thoughts went back to the day that I had thought of the pile of unused pills, "just how many would it take....?" then how I had given up and confessed that I needed Jesus to save my life,  because I was unable to save myself.  Lies, all lies. I was loved evidenced by the texts and emails sent to me from friends saying they were praying for me.  From the hundreds Facebook likes and posts on my health updates.  I was worthy; because God said so. Evidenced by the way He has walked me through the kidney cancer removal and the speedy recovery.  And by the many that have called me an inspiration to them...Who? Me?  Really?  Yes, I am worthy, I am loved, I am healing. 

In the name of Jesus we have been promised by God great things.  He promises to be with us in every circumstance. Knowing that we should love Jesus for all the great things He has done and is doing for us.
On November 20th I will go see the lung doctor.  This should be the last hurdle in this current attack.  Once again I know that God could heal me and I wouldn't need the Chemo, that I will go through this latest storm of treatments with God at my side, or I could see Jesus first hand if my body cannot handle it.  But no matter what I will sing-

Oh how I love Jesus.

Oh how I love Jesus.

Oh how I love Jesus, because He first loved me

Amen!

With all my Heart

I continue to be so very thankful to God for all he has done in the last week.  The Surgeon has said that my surgery went as well as a major surgery could've gone. He had said the surgery was 5 hours, after a late start  3 hours later I was in recovery.  He had prepared us for blood transfusions since this type of surgery was considered a bloody one, though no transfusions were needed. All the nurses and aides that helped me at Moffitt were wonderful and I could tell they felt at ease in my room, since our conversations flowed freely as if we were all friends that we just hadn't met yet.  There was a wonderful peacefulness there that can only come from God.

Speaking of friends, I had an old friend show up to visit 4 days after surgery, I was so surprised!  As she poked her head in the door she said had brought two special friends. To my surprise it was Pastor Chipo from Celebration Church Zimbabwe Africa and her assistant.  They had come to the US to attend the Shine Women's Conference at Celebration Church Jacksonville Fl.  I've have attended this conference many years and had met Pastor Chipo and her husband Pastor Dixon at this church several times.  Of course this year the conference had fallen during the week that the doctors discovered my cancer and I was unable to attend.   I don't believe there was any way my friend Marsha knew I had met Pastor Chipo  or that Pastor Chipo knew that I knew Marsha, it just wouldn't have been a natural connection for anyone. God use these women to bring healing of a friendship, pray with me, bring joy to me that day by making me feel extra special & extra loved.
 That  must have put a little spring in my step because later that day as I was doing my walking in the hospital corridors; I saw a lady walking out of her room with assistance by an nurse's aide and another woman.  After I had past her I heard her say "I want to be like her, walking like her before I leave here."    So I today thank the Lord for the Crown of kindness and love He paces on my head, a crown that made me feel loved and a crown of kindness to inspire someone else today.

1 With all my heart

I praise the Lord,

and with all that I am

I praise his holy name!

2 With all my heart

I praise the Lord!

I will never forget

how kind he has been.

3 The Lord forgives our sins,

heals us when we are sick,

4 and protects us from death.

His kindness and love

are a crown on our heads.

                                                                   Pslams 103:1-4



 

Thank you God, you make me Brave

So tomorrow is the big surgery day.  Amazing all the little things we do throughout the week. Then
when you know you will be out of commission for a while you can take care of it in 3 days.  I had to vote, shop for a few things to take with me.  By the way, have you tried to shop for a light weight mid length robe? Sure, if I was going away for a romantic weekend or buying something for my 80 year old mother in law I could find plenty... but I don't think I want the hospital staff looking at me that way and I am not feeling 80 just yet.  But I digress, I paid bills, answered volumes of Facebook posts, emails and phone calls from well wishers  and I treasured every single one.  All the while working to keep my mind occupied.  Today I stopped, and took it all in; for the first time; all the people praying, people sharing my storm with others so they could pray in Uganda, United Kingdom, Australia, Canada and across the United States. So many praying, seeking God on my behalf; I am overwhelmed by the love I feel.
I know that God could heal me before the first cut, walk with me through this painful storm, or take me home to see Jesus. But I can tell you that I have an unexplainable peace about the outcome, in my heart I feel God is not done with me yet,  no matter what I will Praise God through it all.

I give you peace only I can give, so don't be worried or afraid.   John 14:27

I remember hearing when I was a child that the bible says "Count yourselves as blessed for the trials you go through".  What?  How could bad things be a blessing?

 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. James 1:2

I now understand that.  Though I do not want to go through the surgery, recovery and treatments, I know God is with me and God loves me.  My "trial" will be a testimony in some way to someone else. 

So today my prayer is in thanks. 
Thank you God for being bigger than my fears, my cancer and all my circumstances.  Thank you God for being my healer and restorer. Thank you God for always being with me.  Thank you God for your peace, peace I can only get from you.  Thank you God for guiding the surgeons hands and walking with me through yet another storm.  Thank you God for surrounding me with family & friends around the world willing to pray, ask and seek you on my behalf.   Thank you God for everything because You make me BRAVE!

  

I have WHAT?

What a long strange trip this week has been.  Beginning on Monday with a trip to the Doctor's office ending on Friday at Moffitt Cancer Center scheduling surgery for this week.  It was a whirlwind of tests and blood draws. Not to mention all the new words and medical terms that are thrown around.
Still reeling from hearing "you have a tumor in your right kidney"  I then hear unfamiliar medical jargon like, nephrectomy, IVC thrombectomy, metastasized, what does it all mean?  Bottom line is I have cancer in my right kidney and in the large artery (Inferior Vena Cava)  to which the kidney is attached  and the cancer has traveled to my lungs.  Wow....yes it was one heck of a field trip this last week. 

If you have read my past blogs you know that the last two years have been turbulent to say the least. After moving to Missouri for 14months and back to Florida only to have cataract surgery, lose my job, lose our house, a sever case of depression lasting 13 months, a trip to Washington to visit family that didn't go well to say the least, strep throat on return and now I have cancer. And not just any cancer, major surgery cancer.  I admit feeling a little like Job when God allowed him to be tested by Satan. Job lost everything -wealth, housing land, friends, family.  Even his wife told him he should curse God, but still Job praised God. 

21 Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

naked I’ll return to the womb of the earth.

God gives, God takes.

God’s name be ever blessed.

22 Not once through all this did Job sin; not once did he blame God.
Job 1:21-22

But what happens in the end of the story?  Job 42:12 begins-

Then the Lord blessed Job’s latter days

 more than his former ones.....

 

 

That's what I'm talking about!  Look, no pity party for me.  God has got this, God has my back on all this; He told me so.....  He could heal me before they even start surgery, or not, either way I will praise him with all I have. I will count myself as blessed by the many treasured prayers that go up to Him on my behalf.  I do not believe God is finished with me yet.  So I will not ask "why God?" ,  but "What"?  What are you up to God?  What is it God that you have so great coming for me that Satan desperately wants to separate me from it? 


Stay posted with me to travel my latest field trip... it's going to be a crazy ride.

 

 

Can I get A Break ?

God has called us to live a life of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness and peace.  But as we go through our daily routine distractions come up that can try our patience, kindness and forgiveness, making it feel impossible to love or have any peace. There are days when I think (OK I say it out loud) to myself, “Can I just get one break here?” 

God has made us capable of living a life of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness and peace. But it is only through Jesus that it can be accomplished, meaning through Jesus’ strength we can do all things.  It would be impossible to do the God-sized things that He has planned for our lives on our own, plans He had before we were even born. Trying to pursue the passions God has gifted us with alone would only leave us frustrated and living a less than peaceful, happy life.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT

In some versions this verse says we are “God’s accomplishment”.  One definition of accomplishment is “something done admirably”. The definition of admirably  is “something done first rate” or “inspiring approval, reverence, or affection”. Sounds like a masterpiece to me....

When today’s challenges rear their ugly head, remember you are a masterpiece! Created for great things long before today’s challenge came about.  Ask God for the ability to recognize them, the confidence & strength to combat the challenges;  so you live the life you are fully capable of living - one with love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, love & peace. 

Focus On Your Purpose

Today I am reminded in my devotion to focus on my purpose not my problems.  

God has a purpose, for us all. He has given us gifts and life field trips to fore fill this purpose. But it is life’s bunny trails that can take us off that planned field trip and set our vision on our problem rather than our purpose.   As I mentioned before it could be an err in judgement,  something out of your control, health, finances or people around you.  But just as easily it can be self created for a purpose you thought was for good.  Here is an example.  

My husband had a site development business.  He worked mostly alone, hiring other truck operators as he ran the heavy equipment.  God had given him a vision of clearing some land for our new church building, a huge job, that later that year he was awarded.  He pushed himself to stay on the time line, he knew God had chosen him to do this work as reveled in his vision and he was determined to do his very best work no matter the hours he had to spend.  He worked six days a week, starting before daylight and coming home long after dark even in the summer months. He began pressing to get ahead of the time line.   God had an additional job for him, a mission trip to Africa building homes for orphans.  This would remove him from the church building project for 2 weeks. He was battling Satan telling him to stop working so hard, this job is too big for you, you will never finish, you are just holding up everyone else that's trying to work on this project.  

He was tired, mentality and physically.   Just a couple days from the mission trip departure he was pushing even harder to complete clearing a section of land.   He was loading a dump truck with a huge backhoe and as he backed up with a load in the bucket to dump into the truck and promptly backed right over his own pickup truck.  Hearing the crash of the glass and crunch or the metal he stopped but it was too late, it was totaled. 

Masai Mara

He had confused his “purpose” with a "problem". Lesson here is if Satan cannot make you stop he will push you too far.  Steve could have looked at the problems and not gone to Africa, but we went and as in previous trips we were blessed beyond measure. Our God continued to take care of us at home. On returning we received a check from the insurance company for more than the blue book value of the pickup.  Most amazing was our insurance rates didn’t go up because of the accident.  

How we handle our purpose and problems can affect the way others perceive God. Spread the good news.

Masai goat herder with baby

And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. Philippians 1:12

God Hasn't Changed His Mind

I was challenged by a friend to post 3 things for which I am happy for at least 5 days. Little did she know this was something God had been asking of me, to speak positively into my own life. What makes you happy?  What are you grateful for? Stop listening to the negative talkers that just spins out into negative thoughts. Stop looking at the changes that happen in your life as a bad things.  They are just diversions that have put a curve in an otherwise straight path that God has for you.  Whether these diversions were created by you, someone else, health or financial issues, it doesn’t effect the plan that God has for your life. He gave you the gift/passion and He wants you to use it, that is his plan, it will happen in His timing.

God’s gifts and God’s call are under full warranty—never canceled, never rescinded. Romans 11:29 The Message

So today I am happy for-

1. I am happy for Granbabies- their smiles make their love feel unmatched.

2.I am happy that God still has a plan for me even if I make the path a crooked one.

3. I am happy for friends. Friends that even when you are in a funk, love you and help you walk through.

I cannot take full credit for today’s blog. Though I have applied it to my circumstances, it was Pastor TJ Hankey from The Shore Church that reminded me this Sunday that “God has never changed His mind about you.” You can hear the full sermon series called “Made” on their website www.theshorechurch.com or download The Shore Church app.

Rising above it

A women I met through my past job at Watoto posted this on Facebook today, and I thought it was so thought provoking that I had to do a quick blog.  

A confident, gracious woman will help lift up other woman who are strong, talented, beautiful, intelligent… It is a tragedy that because of competition, envy, jealously, or insecurity that women criticize, condemn, withdraw, neglect, or even tear down their sisters from being all they can be in life or in ministry.  Melanie Stone

 How many times do we criticize or condemn others, male or female, rich or poor without knowing their circumstance?  People are rarely what them seem on the outside. That smile maybe hiding deep sadness. Though they may appear to be financially well off, they could be on the brink of bankruptcy. 

While it is true we all are free make choices, we also make mistakes. For instance maybe you invested in stocks prior to the recession and lost out when the bottom dropped.  Mistake... but how could you have known?   Someone that doesn’t know your financial situation could be wondering why you don’t pick up the check at dinner anymore. 

I have been accused of being argumentative when someone takes a stand to criticize or condemn someone else.  I don’t think of it as being disagreeable, just empathic.  Since I have been on so many field trips in my life, I feel I must give others the benefit of the doubt for their actions.  Do I occasionally vent, you bet, but once I calm down I always go back to why that happened.  What happened in the past to cause this, it’s cause and effect.  Not an excuse per se, but a lesson to learn from.  It’s not that I have always been this way really, but have grown into it.... in 56 years I hope I have grown into something, Just kidding, but this is a trait I am proud of, and it gives me joy to lift up my beautiful talented sisters (and brothers)in Christ!

So, I am just saying this.  When the urge to criticize, condemn or tear down someone else arises, stop.  Think about them, what is the possible cause and effect?  Otherwise your immaturity could be showing....

Trip to the Tag Office....

So it has been a pretty busy week(s) for me and I obviously haven’t written lately.  I have taken a part time job, pay isn’t much but it certainly helps,  I enjoy it and it gets me out of the house.  Learning a new job and keeping up with the other “normal” household duties I have has been, well eye opening after a year off work.  But I am making it work. 

We just sold our boat and upon searching through what seemed like endless papers, I discovered we had not received the title to it from the state after our “big move”.  After a call to the Tax collector’s office I was told it was sent back to Tallahassee because of an address issue....Great, I thought, this could take months!  But alas- there was a light, it seems it was their fault and would reprint it for free. What, get out!  The state was not only taking ownership of a mistake, but giving me something for me free?  

So I head to the tax collectors office, but in finding a parking place, I was not so lucky.  I finally spy a place near the police station, using my best parallel parking skills I get into the space. During this time a line of children and several officers come out of the building, one officer does a double take of me in the car... thinking he was must be admiring my skillful parking, I put the car in park and proceed to turn off the engine as he looks again and says “Stop”. What’s this, I think, perhaps a compliment?  He says” Abort!  See that lady right there, she has a radar on you and is just waiting to give you a ticket.”  What!  Shocked I turn to see a meter maid chuckling as I squirm.  “You see that sign?” the officer says, “This area is for police vehicles only, I am going to just give you a warning, you’ll have to move the car.”  Whew. no I had not seen the sign blocked by the palm tree fronds.  I thanked him anyway and moved my car to another space.  

I walked into the Tag Office  and get this.... no one in line!  Just me!  Amazing, I present my papers, and ID, ahem, ID...forgot my drivers license,  good thing the officer let me go earlier. I head home grab my wallet, double check the license is inside, and head back to the Tag Office. On arrival I carefully avoid the “restricted Parking” area, then head inside to a line of about 20 people.  Finally number 145 is called and head back to station 12.  A very helpful woman did print my Boat Title for free, and charged me $25.00 to change my address on my license to match the current address on the power of attorney I had to bring with me to get the title.  Sigh.

He does not fear bad news. He is confident; he trusts in the Lord. Pslams 112:7 NET

To that I say Amen! 

And at least I only locked myself out of the house once this week.

The Titus 2 Woman

With the world capturing so many of our your women lives, we need some Good Titus 2 women to step up and live as examples of the life Paul wanted Titus to teach. What does it mean to be a Titus 2 woman? 

And here’s what I want you to teach the older women: Be respectful. Steer clear of gossip or drinking too much so that you can teach what is good 4 to young women. Be a positive example, showing them what it is to love their husbands and children, and teaching them to 5 control themselves in every way and to be pure. Train them to manage the household, to be kind, and to be submissive to their husbands, all of which honor the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

Times that Titus lived many of the early church in Crete were former pagans. I am sure the women of those times felt they were in bondage, slaves to their husbands, so many of them drank a little too much to numb their feelings of the hopelessness. Anyone that has ever drunk too much alcohol knows the tongue becomes loose; then the speculation and gossip can begin to flow.

There was a point in my life where I was not living a Godly life.  I was miserable and I numbed my hurt and anger with drugs and alcohol.  Self-medication. I didn’t want to think about my circumstances, I didn’t know how to make them better.  Though my life was much easier than the women in Titus days, happiness was just as elusive to me as it was to those women.   I had lived with mental and physical abuse for years; labels had been placed on me by others and myself that I believed were true. Life in my world was a vicious cycle of hurt, pain, anger, then came the numbing.  I had little self-respect; self-medication was my escape. Where was my Titus 2 woman? Where were the nurturers, the teachers, and encouragers in my life? 

I’m not trying to assign blame to anyone; I was a tough child to raise. Which lead to a tough adult. I had built walls that were solid and made it difficult for anyone to reach me.

Are you a Titus 2 woman? You could be.  There are many young ladies that are looking for someone to teach them. Young ladies that do not know God, that are seeking a better life than they have. Good girls that just have no one to look up to, or girls  where circumstances they may have found themselves in could be abusive or maybe it's the labels that have been put on them that is causing hurt or anger. They could be pregnant, an unwed mother or unwanted by family or friend and cast out into the streets. Yes this happens everyday. Maybe no one tried to reach them before or maybe they couldn't be reached, but you could be that someone they need now.  

 Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?”     Romans 15:1-2

Depression and This Christian Woman: Road to Recovery

An Open Book

I have now seen another Doctor, received and began taking medication again.  At least for the time being while I learn to deal with some emotional issues by talking with a therapist.  

I have always said “I am an open book”  ask me anything and I will tell you. I never wanted something that I have gone through and learned from,  be with held from someone else if it could help them avoid the painful mistakes I had endured.  I suppose the one problem I have had with that thought process is internalizing things that, one- might hurt someone else and two- no one asked about. So these unspoken past events I internalized and analyzed, then reanalyzed.

Open Your Eyes

Have you ever been confronted by someone about a past event where they were hurt by something you said or did? After an in-depth discussion you uncover that the issue was misunderstanding of what you said, or perhaps the offended person didn’t know the facts of why you did what you did.  But how did the issue get so huge? 

Once the offense is replayed enough times in the mind (analyzed, then reanalyzed) you begin to make it fact.  Suddenly the “you didn't have to do that for me” becomes “I am angry because you did that to me”. 

While it has been easy for me to recognize this thought process in others, I never saw that I was doing the same thing. “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. Matthew 7:1-5 The Message

Road to Recovery

I am on the road to recovery, I am packing up the emotional baggage and dropping it off somewhere- not sure where, but I am not bringing it back with me!  It feels great to have a plan!  It will be a long process I am afraid, but one that God will be with me and give me the strength to get through, one that I am really looking forward to being on the other side of....Amen! The day will be soon coming that Satan will say " Oh crap, She's awake again!"

I can hear the song Happy by Farrell Williams  playing in my head and long to feel like clapping along because I feel like a room with out a roof...  cuz the possibilities are endless.

Depression and this Christian Woman: This Means War

I believe in spiritual warfare.  We are warned numerous times in the Bible by many different authors that as Christians, we should be poised for attack.  In 1 Peter, Peter writes to remind Christians to:

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 NLT

Paul talks about the Armor God has supplied us with

11 “Put on God’s whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil. 12 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.” Ephesians 6:11-12 AMP

Yes we should be aware of spiritual attacks, and yes, God provides “Armor” for our battles.   In the battle we should know:       

To speak truth against Satan’s lies 

     God claims us righteous, 

     We need to fight to not fail in our faith

     Know we have salvation

And offensively  we: 

     Use the word of God. 

But the question I ask is -  Is every problem, mental or physical, we have a demonic attack?  
We can go from one extreme to the other on this subject. For me the words demonic attack conjure up images of the movie from my teen years- The Exorcist;  scared the bee-gee-bees out of me. There are people that think every bad thing that happens, every sin you commit  is from the devil or demons and that they need to be cast out.  
The other side is to totally ignore that it even exists despite the bible clearly tells us that it is real. I fall in the middle trying to achieve a balance .  Things I consider are- Jesus healed some, and cast demons out of some.  That tells me that not every issues had a demon attached to it. So Paul’s writings in Ephesians is to help us not only with the spiritual world, but to help us fight in the flesh our desire to sin in freewill.

I believe to fight spiritual warfare :

  We are to rely on God’s power not our own.  

  Protect ourselves with the armor God has provided.  

  Cast out what needs to be cast out and pray for strength to get through the things that don’t   need rebuking.  

  Grow your relationship with God 

  Remain humble in your relationship with God so that if you do need to rebuke   something, you can do so in Jesus’ name and not try to do it in your own.

To be continued....

Note:

Today I will be seeing a Doctor and will gladly pass on to you what I learn from him.  Until then, our Pastor is preaching a series called “Overwhelmed”. He shared this link on Face Book last week from New Spring Church’s blog. Pastor Perry Noble is the author of the book Overwhelmed and lead Pastor of the church.  This blog is written by Devin Stowers, and provides good information to keep in mind when dealing with someone you love that is depressed.  

http://newspring.cc/blog/articles/how-to-love-someone-whos-depressed

Depression and this Christian Woman: Part 3

Part 3 -
I'm Fine

I had known for years that I was called to women’s ministry.  If fact it was prophesied for me six years ago. Now several years after God had given me this dream, I was leading the women's’ ministry at our church. We had a ladies brunch one Saturday morning.  I had invited a friend to speak to the ladies from my church about her new book Equipping the Warrior Woman.  The medicine had me so out of it my thoughts were incoherent to my own mind, the words seem to come out like they were hyphenated,  I could hardly introduce her. Then she began describing me to the ladies in the room, as the woman she knew, the woman she had met years ago, complimenting me,  building me up to them, I thought  "who was she talking about?".    I certainly didn’t feel like the person she was describing, I couldn’t control my emotions and tears filled my eyes, desperately I wanted to run!  I wanted to get out of here before I become a teary mess!  How could someone say such nice things about me, this crazy tongue tied lady? 

To be successful in ministry, whether in a pastoral position or in another area,  I thought you had to “be” a certain way, present a persona that you had it together. This was the perception I had of other Christian women I had been around; some in ministry some were not, as I was viewing their lives from the outside it appeared they had the perfect life. They adored their husband and he also adored them.  They had the perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, and financially.... well that too was perfect.   How then could I be a successful leader? I am far perfect, I don’t have it all together at all! I’m on “so lost” for cryin’ out loud.   How could I possibly Iead anyone to Christ if they knew the truth about me, wasn’t that what it was all about, leading others to Christ, teaching and leading through example?  

My friend was so kind, she spoke beautifully, the ladies from the church loved her and the brunch, but for me it was a disaster.  Once again I had embarrassed myself.

When did it start? Why does it happen?

I suppose I have struggled with this depression most of my life; dealing with it with out medication from doctors, but instead with my self medication of drugs and alcohol. Throw in the teenage hormone rush, the female hormone rush, then later the female hormone drain add in doctors trying to regulate all that with pills; and I ask, is there any wonder why I felt like I had a three ring circus in my head most of my adult years.  Though I left the recreational drugs and alcohol behind the circus remained a unwelcome frequent visitor.  So I would see a doctor, stay on the meds a few years, go off for a few years then back on new meds for a few years. Never really knowing why I was feeling like this.   

My grandmother was always a little different, some thought she was a little crazy. I heard stories from my family about a  her sister my great aunt that committed suicide because she was crazy,  her brother my great uncle that was an alcoholic because he couldn’t deal with life, then there was a grandfather that had shock treatments because  they thought he had tried to kill his family.... could have been the moonshine, just sayin’,  he and his brothers did make their own.  There are stories of a Cherokee grandmother that would leave her house and children for days and go to the woods.....odd to say the least.   So I questioned,  did I just lack the life skills to adapt to my surroundings and the changes that life brings or was I really crazy- mentally ill?  Was it a missing chemical or chemical imbalance in my body? 

Was it a generational curse? Or could it be that God has such a great plan for the next season in my life that the devil just can’t stand it and is attacking me all these years?  I am still researching these possibilities, but for now I am making some changes.

Making Some Changes 

First let me preface this section with these statements; I am not a doctor!  My husband is not a doctor.  I do not have doctors in my family.  My friends are not doctors. I am just telling you what I am now trying.  I will be seeing a new doctor in two weeks, so this may change again.  Taking or stopping antidepressants is dangerous, if you are taking or stopping please be very careful and consult your doctor if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, others or any other problematic symptoms. 

My current doctor had made changes to the medicines that was taking.  Raised the dosage of one anti depressant, wellbuterin, raised the dosage of the drug to help my under active thyroid, and swapped out the anti depressant Zoloft for Effexor with a higher dosage.  I followed his instructions for over a month, things just got worse for me.  So I did some research.  Side effects of Effexor- panic attacks.  Over active thyroid symptoms, depression, weight gain, and high cholesterol. I didn't mention I was on Lipitor too.  I quit Effexor & started my remaining  Zoloft. The panic attacks came less frequently and now I have perhaps 1 a week.  Finally at the urging of my husband to get off all the junk that had been prescribed, I began tapering off the Zoloft  and have stopped the wellbuterin .  
Now that I  am beginning to think clearer my thoughts are returning to what I do know;  that this depression was not from God. God breathes life into us. It is the evil one comes to rob us of that God breathed life.  The Bible warns us  he comes to kill, steal and destroy by any means he can.  A warning for some of you, if you are strong enough to stand, to press in, and determined to prevail in completing the task God has called you to do, be careful! If Satan cannot stop you he will push you too far.  Be fully present,  for there is spiritual warfare all around us. 


I am Fearfully & Wonderfully Made
Next week I am going to go into "What I do know" from God's word. Some of the  promises that God has given us all that relate to me and my depression struggles.  I hope that this will help you or someone you know with their fight.