The Titus 2 Woman

With the world capturing so many of our your women lives, we need some Good Titus 2 women to step up and live as examples of the life Paul wanted Titus to teach. What does it mean to be a Titus 2 woman? 

And here’s what I want you to teach the older women: Be respectful. Steer clear of gossip or drinking too much so that you can teach what is good 4 to young women. Be a positive example, showing them what it is to love their husbands and children, and teaching them to 5 control themselves in every way and to be pure. Train them to manage the household, to be kind, and to be submissive to their husbands, all of which honor the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

Times that Titus lived many of the early church in Crete were former pagans. I am sure the women of those times felt they were in bondage, slaves to their husbands, so many of them drank a little too much to numb their feelings of the hopelessness. Anyone that has ever drunk too much alcohol knows the tongue becomes loose; then the speculation and gossip can begin to flow.

There was a point in my life where I was not living a Godly life.  I was miserable and I numbed my hurt and anger with drugs and alcohol.  Self-medication. I didn’t want to think about my circumstances, I didn’t know how to make them better.  Though my life was much easier than the women in Titus days, happiness was just as elusive to me as it was to those women.   I had lived with mental and physical abuse for years; labels had been placed on me by others and myself that I believed were true. Life in my world was a vicious cycle of hurt, pain, anger, then came the numbing.  I had little self-respect; self-medication was my escape. Where was my Titus 2 woman? Where were the nurturers, the teachers, and encouragers in my life? 

I’m not trying to assign blame to anyone; I was a tough child to raise. Which lead to a tough adult. I had built walls that were solid and made it difficult for anyone to reach me.

Are you a Titus 2 woman? You could be.  There are many young ladies that are looking for someone to teach them. Young ladies that do not know God, that are seeking a better life than they have. Good girls that just have no one to look up to, or girls  where circumstances they may have found themselves in could be abusive or maybe it's the labels that have been put on them that is causing hurt or anger. They could be pregnant, an unwed mother or unwanted by family or friend and cast out into the streets. Yes this happens everyday. Maybe no one tried to reach them before or maybe they couldn't be reached, but you could be that someone they need now.  

 Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?”     Romans 15:1-2

Depression and This Christian Woman: Road to Recovery

An Open Book

I have now seen another Doctor, received and began taking medication again.  At least for the time being while I learn to deal with some emotional issues by talking with a therapist.  

I have always said “I am an open book”  ask me anything and I will tell you. I never wanted something that I have gone through and learned from,  be with held from someone else if it could help them avoid the painful mistakes I had endured.  I suppose the one problem I have had with that thought process is internalizing things that, one- might hurt someone else and two- no one asked about. So these unspoken past events I internalized and analyzed, then reanalyzed.

Open Your Eyes

Have you ever been confronted by someone about a past event where they were hurt by something you said or did? After an in-depth discussion you uncover that the issue was misunderstanding of what you said, or perhaps the offended person didn’t know the facts of why you did what you did.  But how did the issue get so huge? 

Once the offense is replayed enough times in the mind (analyzed, then reanalyzed) you begin to make it fact.  Suddenly the “you didn't have to do that for me” becomes “I am angry because you did that to me”. 

While it has been easy for me to recognize this thought process in others, I never saw that I was doing the same thing. “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. Matthew 7:1-5 The Message

Road to Recovery

I am on the road to recovery, I am packing up the emotional baggage and dropping it off somewhere- not sure where, but I am not bringing it back with me!  It feels great to have a plan!  It will be a long process I am afraid, but one that God will be with me and give me the strength to get through, one that I am really looking forward to being on the other side of....Amen! The day will be soon coming that Satan will say " Oh crap, She's awake again!"

I can hear the song Happy by Farrell Williams  playing in my head and long to feel like clapping along because I feel like a room with out a roof...  cuz the possibilities are endless.

Depression and this Christian Woman: This Means War

I believe in spiritual warfare.  We are warned numerous times in the Bible by many different authors that as Christians, we should be poised for attack.  In 1 Peter, Peter writes to remind Christians to:

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 NLT

Paul talks about the Armor God has supplied us with

11 “Put on God’s whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil. 12 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.” Ephesians 6:11-12 AMP

Yes we should be aware of spiritual attacks, and yes, God provides “Armor” for our battles.   In the battle we should know:       

To speak truth against Satan’s lies 

     God claims us righteous, 

     We need to fight to not fail in our faith

     Know we have salvation

And offensively  we: 

     Use the word of God. 

But the question I ask is -  Is every problem, mental or physical, we have a demonic attack?  
We can go from one extreme to the other on this subject. For me the words demonic attack conjure up images of the movie from my teen years- The Exorcist;  scared the bee-gee-bees out of me. There are people that think every bad thing that happens, every sin you commit  is from the devil or demons and that they need to be cast out.  
The other side is to totally ignore that it even exists despite the bible clearly tells us that it is real. I fall in the middle trying to achieve a balance .  Things I consider are- Jesus healed some, and cast demons out of some.  That tells me that not every issues had a demon attached to it. So Paul’s writings in Ephesians is to help us not only with the spiritual world, but to help us fight in the flesh our desire to sin in freewill.

I believe to fight spiritual warfare :

  We are to rely on God’s power not our own.  

  Protect ourselves with the armor God has provided.  

  Cast out what needs to be cast out and pray for strength to get through the things that don’t   need rebuking.  

  Grow your relationship with God 

  Remain humble in your relationship with God so that if you do need to rebuke   something, you can do so in Jesus’ name and not try to do it in your own.

To be continued....

Note:

Today I will be seeing a Doctor and will gladly pass on to you what I learn from him.  Until then, our Pastor is preaching a series called “Overwhelmed”. He shared this link on Face Book last week from New Spring Church’s blog. Pastor Perry Noble is the author of the book Overwhelmed and lead Pastor of the church.  This blog is written by Devin Stowers, and provides good information to keep in mind when dealing with someone you love that is depressed.  

http://newspring.cc/blog/articles/how-to-love-someone-whos-depressed

Depression and this Christian Woman: Part 3

Part 3 -
I'm Fine

I had known for years that I was called to women’s ministry.  If fact it was prophesied for me six years ago. Now several years after God had given me this dream, I was leading the women's’ ministry at our church. We had a ladies brunch one Saturday morning.  I had invited a friend to speak to the ladies from my church about her new book Equipping the Warrior Woman.  The medicine had me so out of it my thoughts were incoherent to my own mind, the words seem to come out like they were hyphenated,  I could hardly introduce her. Then she began describing me to the ladies in the room, as the woman she knew, the woman she had met years ago, complimenting me,  building me up to them, I thought  "who was she talking about?".    I certainly didn’t feel like the person she was describing, I couldn’t control my emotions and tears filled my eyes, desperately I wanted to run!  I wanted to get out of here before I become a teary mess!  How could someone say such nice things about me, this crazy tongue tied lady? 

To be successful in ministry, whether in a pastoral position or in another area,  I thought you had to “be” a certain way, present a persona that you had it together. This was the perception I had of other Christian women I had been around; some in ministry some were not, as I was viewing their lives from the outside it appeared they had the perfect life. They adored their husband and he also adored them.  They had the perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, and financially.... well that too was perfect.   How then could I be a successful leader? I am far perfect, I don’t have it all together at all! I’m on “so lost” for cryin’ out loud.   How could I possibly Iead anyone to Christ if they knew the truth about me, wasn’t that what it was all about, leading others to Christ, teaching and leading through example?  

My friend was so kind, she spoke beautifully, the ladies from the church loved her and the brunch, but for me it was a disaster.  Once again I had embarrassed myself.

When did it start? Why does it happen?

I suppose I have struggled with this depression most of my life; dealing with it with out medication from doctors, but instead with my self medication of drugs and alcohol. Throw in the teenage hormone rush, the female hormone rush, then later the female hormone drain add in doctors trying to regulate all that with pills; and I ask, is there any wonder why I felt like I had a three ring circus in my head most of my adult years.  Though I left the recreational drugs and alcohol behind the circus remained a unwelcome frequent visitor.  So I would see a doctor, stay on the meds a few years, go off for a few years then back on new meds for a few years. Never really knowing why I was feeling like this.   

My grandmother was always a little different, some thought she was a little crazy. I heard stories from my family about a  her sister my great aunt that committed suicide because she was crazy,  her brother my great uncle that was an alcoholic because he couldn’t deal with life, then there was a grandfather that had shock treatments because  they thought he had tried to kill his family.... could have been the moonshine, just sayin’,  he and his brothers did make their own.  There are stories of a Cherokee grandmother that would leave her house and children for days and go to the woods.....odd to say the least.   So I questioned,  did I just lack the life skills to adapt to my surroundings and the changes that life brings or was I really crazy- mentally ill?  Was it a missing chemical or chemical imbalance in my body? 

Was it a generational curse? Or could it be that God has such a great plan for the next season in my life that the devil just can’t stand it and is attacking me all these years?  I am still researching these possibilities, but for now I am making some changes.

Making Some Changes 

First let me preface this section with these statements; I am not a doctor!  My husband is not a doctor.  I do not have doctors in my family.  My friends are not doctors. I am just telling you what I am now trying.  I will be seeing a new doctor in two weeks, so this may change again.  Taking or stopping antidepressants is dangerous, if you are taking or stopping please be very careful and consult your doctor if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, others or any other problematic symptoms. 

My current doctor had made changes to the medicines that was taking.  Raised the dosage of one anti depressant, wellbuterin, raised the dosage of the drug to help my under active thyroid, and swapped out the anti depressant Zoloft for Effexor with a higher dosage.  I followed his instructions for over a month, things just got worse for me.  So I did some research.  Side effects of Effexor- panic attacks.  Over active thyroid symptoms, depression, weight gain, and high cholesterol. I didn't mention I was on Lipitor too.  I quit Effexor & started my remaining  Zoloft. The panic attacks came less frequently and now I have perhaps 1 a week.  Finally at the urging of my husband to get off all the junk that had been prescribed, I began tapering off the Zoloft  and have stopped the wellbuterin .  
Now that I  am beginning to think clearer my thoughts are returning to what I do know;  that this depression was not from God. God breathes life into us. It is the evil one comes to rob us of that God breathed life.  The Bible warns us  he comes to kill, steal and destroy by any means he can.  A warning for some of you, if you are strong enough to stand, to press in, and determined to prevail in completing the task God has called you to do, be careful! If Satan cannot stop you he will push you too far.  Be fully present,  for there is spiritual warfare all around us. 


I am Fearfully & Wonderfully Made
Next week I am going to go into "What I do know" from God's word. Some of the  promises that God has given us all that relate to me and my depression struggles.  I hope that this will help you or someone you know with their fight. 

Depression and This Christian Woman: Part 2

I have had such an out pouring of support and questions both public and private about my struggle that I have decided to continue my story instead of waiting until next week.  Thank you all for contacting me and supporting me through this tough time.

So how’s your new job?

All my friends knew I had been looking for work.  I was offered what appeared to be the perfect position for me.  I had given God my “wish list” for a position and He had blessed me.   The job was close to home, good money, part time, no weekends, no travel, a Christian business, and one that would allow me to take off for two conferences this year I had already paid for, one of which was just a month a way. After 2 interviews I was hired.  But I couldn’t go.  My panic attacks kept me in a teary mess every time I even thought about the job.   This guy was so nice, he deserved someone so much better than me.  Someone that could give 110%.  I was not that person right now, I need eye surgery, I was mentally unstable and heaven forbid he should actually depend on me- what if I failed him?  Writing the email to my prospective employer declining the job offer was both a relief and heartbreaking.  I felt I was doing the right thing for him, but in turning down the job was I denying myself what God had for me?  Was I in a sense throwing it back in God's face..... thanks but no thanks God, I will get this on my own.  Time to sink back into the pit.

How embarrassing to now tell my friends and family that I just couldn’t take the perfect job, the job that God had obviously orchestrated just for me.  And now I would also have to talk about the depression.The embarrassment was almost too much, I resorted to my latest way of dealing with uncomfortable situations avoidance or humor.  So if I couldn’t avoid the topic I would joke about my “craziness”, my crazy doctor and “crazy pills” aka Zolft.  If I was forgetful, panicked or overwhelmed, my standard comment was “ Well that’s what happens when you’re crazy and taking “so lost” pills. “    

Some friends and family responded empathetically, having gone through depression or knew someone close to them that had.  Others couldn’t imagine that could happen to me. “You are so outgoing, I never saw any signs.”  Most everyone I have spoken to that suffers from depression has heard the same thing, no one could have imagined they were suffering. Rarely will anyone see the outward signs unless you have a very close relationship with them. It is the mask we wear that prevents others from seeing the “real” you, or the “authentic” you.  I add authentic to the description because there are some of us that think we have to step out of our true personality to be seen as accomplished.  This can be an exhausting facade to keep up, if you happen to be prone to depression it will eventually wear you out and the downward spiral will begin.  

To be continued......

Depression and This Christian Woman

Let's Get Real

Well it has been quite a while since I have written. I am sorry if I have let you down .  If you have come to expect a weekly blog of encouragement from me, and see nothing new.  If you were wanting to read a little humor to enlighten the drudgery that can come in our average day, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.  I was unavailable.....

I was unavailable because my true self took a break in October and depression took over my life. I am about to get very real here because someone else needs to hear my story.  Someone needs to know that you are not alone, that you are not the only one that is unavailable at times. 

It can start with a lost job or something  as simple as a small a disagreement or some hurt feelings, then like me,  before you know it you are in a full downward spiral. 

I did see a doctor, he gave me new medication and adjusted some other meds but that sent me into panic attacks. Unable to really leave my house I was left to my own tears and fears.  Oh I tried to go out if even to the pharmacy for a refill, but pulling into the parking lot the panic would come- “Nope not going in there today, not happenin’.”  and I would head home.

Afraid to take the meds, but afraid not to, my thoughts turned to God. As a Christian woman you would think I would recognize the the spiritual warfare going on, that I would be crying out to God for healing and protection. In fact I did try to tell myself to cry out to God for help, read my devotions, if nothing else just say “Jesus”!   I wish I could say I did cry out and God helped me. 

We all have heard that attitude/happiness is a choice, but the chemical imbalance, removes all balance from your life, without that rhythmic balance there really is not a choice.  It just isn't that simple and is hurtful to hear this from people that don't know what you are going through.   For me, it was as if my mind would create a roadblock, blocking the connection I knew I needed with God to get out of this place.

In depression the things you normally would find comforting can become lost.  So this place of sadness, of hopelessness almost becomes the comfortable familiar place.  As I was sucked deeper into the pit I had a sort of calmness inside as long as I didn’t “think”, as along as I zoned into mindless TV watching or slept endless hours the more comfortable and calm I became in my pit. But if the thoughts couldn’t be stopped I find myself asking “Why God?”.  I cried out disparately, but not for what you would think a Christian woman would cry out for;  it wasn’t why me, It wasn’t why won’t you heal me. It was “Why God would you do this to my family?  Why do they have to suffer through my crazy mess?  Why God can’t you just take me now and relieve us all?”

I know this is a dark subject, but for the next few weeks I am going to share my journey with you.  I hope you will hang in there with me as I travel a road of discovery & recovery.