I have had such an out pouring of support and questions both public and private about my struggle that I have decided to continue my story instead of waiting until next week. Thank you all for contacting me and supporting me through this tough time.
So how’s your new job?
All my friends knew I had been looking for work. I was offered what appeared to be the perfect position for me. I had given God my “wish list” for a position and He had blessed me. The job was close to home, good money, part time, no weekends, no travel, a Christian business, and one that would allow me to take off for two conferences this year I had already paid for, one of which was just a month a way. After 2 interviews I was hired. But I couldn’t go. My panic attacks kept me in a teary mess every time I even thought about the job. This guy was so nice, he deserved someone so much better than me. Someone that could give 110%. I was not that person right now, I need eye surgery, I was mentally unstable and heaven forbid he should actually depend on me- what if I failed him? Writing the email to my prospective employer declining the job offer was both a relief and heartbreaking. I felt I was doing the right thing for him, but in turning down the job was I denying myself what God had for me? Was I in a sense throwing it back in God's face..... thanks but no thanks God, I will get this on my own. Time to sink back into the pit.
How embarrassing to now tell my friends and family that I just couldn’t take the perfect job, the job that God had obviously orchestrated just for me. And now I would also have to talk about the depression.The embarrassment was almost too much, I resorted to my latest way of dealing with uncomfortable situations avoidance or humor. So if I couldn’t avoid the topic I would joke about my “craziness”, my crazy doctor and “crazy pills” aka Zolft. If I was forgetful, panicked or overwhelmed, my standard comment was “ Well that’s what happens when you’re crazy and taking “so lost” pills. “
Some friends and family responded empathetically, having gone through depression or knew someone close to them that had. Others couldn’t imagine that could happen to me. “You are so outgoing, I never saw any signs.” Most everyone I have spoken to that suffers from depression has heard the same thing, no one could have imagined they were suffering. Rarely will anyone see the outward signs unless you have a very close relationship with them. It is the mask we wear that prevents others from seeing the “real” you, or the “authentic” you. I add authentic to the description because there are some of us that think we have to step out of our true personality to be seen as accomplished. This can be an exhausting facade to keep up, if you happen to be prone to depression it will eventually wear you out and the downward spiral will begin.
To be continued......
No comments:
Post a Comment