Doctor Day - Scan Day

When I was say in my 30's my husband and I found it amusing when the man down the street couldn't participant in anything on Wednesdays because it was "Doctor Day" .  I mean how long does it take?! 
Well I get that now that I have cancer.  My trips to Moffitt Cancer Center (an hour away) are that way.  Take yesterday, I had appointments at Moffitt, arrive to have an IV started then drink the nasty cocktail needed for the CT scan, which takes 90 minutes to complete for a 10 minute scan.  Then to the blood draw area so they can take multiple tubes for testing.   Then go to see the Doctor.  Sounds simple right?  Well add in rain, which makes everyone late,( Fresh Florida transplant people can't drive when it rains) so that in turn makes my scan delayed by 30 minutes. But I still get to my 2pm blood draw on time - amazing!  Only to discover that 2 of the thyroid tests that I wanted ordered were not on the list, they have to call the doctor, which by the way is right next door in the same building, this creates another delay, but again I am at my appointment with the doctor on time at 2:45.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.... he finally comes in and takes just as much time with me as he had taken with the people before me.  Answers all my questions, goes over my scans carefully with me. 

Well it wasn't the news I wanted to hear No Evidence of Disease, but it wasn't all bad.  Some of the metastasis had shrunk, stabilized or disappeared, however there was one new growth.  Insert big sigh here... My options are explained, continue with the current treatment, try a new medicine, or do nothing.  While continue with the same treatment was offered, my doctor felt I had used as much of the High Dose Interleukin 2 that my body could take.  Down to 2 options.  I chose Sutent, the medicine.  I start that this week.   And to top that off, the thyroid is pretty much dead now I now will begin new doses of medicine for that.

The option of "doing nothing" felt, well, like doing nothing.  I wasn't ready for that yet....at least I don't think so.  On the other hand taking strong drugs make me crazy, like I really don't want to take anything - ever. 
It wasn't an easy decision, and I second guess my self still today. 

Well all said & done at Moffitt, I was starving since I last ate breakfast at 7:30am, we stopped for dinner at Applebee's  and made it home at 8:30pm what a day!
Doctor day indeed.

The Winds Of Change

 

There was a time in my life I actually thought I was getting it together.  I had fought off many of the demons of my past life, and with the help of some counseling I had managed to make through depression.  Feeling healthy and well for the first time in quite a while I began writing again. 

My long term goal of helping others make it through their difficult times in life through sharing my own trials was actually in my sights once more.  I began to blog to share my thoughts on making it through depression, fear, faith and forgiveness. Readers had were

writing comments letting me know I was helping them understand their loved ones through my posts.  I was sure I was in my sweet spot, and that felt so good, I was actually helping others.  The light was green and I wanted to speed out into the open seas of life documenting everything that came my way.

But as so often happens, plans get changed.  My doctor called to give me the news that I had cancer, and in that moment the light went out. There was no signal for direction, be it out to sea or back to shore. One thing I did know was that I had a new battle to win.  I was diverted from my passion for a short time, but I now have documented my surgery and treatments along with the highs and the lows of this new normal for me.  This crazy cancer tried to cast me out into a rough sea, but I have seen the tides change and now the winds of life are blowing me back to shore, I see the comforting signal, red right return….. I’m home again.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 ESV    

Belated Easter Thoughts

I know I'm a little late on this blog post, but I just want to share with you these thoughts.  They came to me late on Saturday night as I was excited about Easter Sunday. 

In my mind I keep calling Easter Sunday "Thanksgiving".  You know how you do, Tomorrow my kids are coming over for "Thanksgiving" after church, when in fact what I meant was Easter Sunday. So I begin thinking about that, for me it did feel more like a Thanksgiving.  What God gave us, what Jesus did for us, it is overwhelming to think about loving so much.  We all say things like I would die for : fill in the blank, but would you really?  Could you willingly give your child to save others?  I am positive I could not in free will give my child, I do believe with all my heart I would give my life for my children. 
 We were already chosen to be God’s own children by Christ. This was done just like the plan He had.  We who were the first to put our trust in Christ should thank Him for His greatness.
Ephesians 1:11-12
And what does God ask from us in return?  Praise Him, thank Him.  It's that simple.  I don't just mean in church, though we are told to worship with others at church and sing songs of praise.
 Tell of your joy to each other by singing the Songs of David and church songs. Sing in your heart to the Lord. Ephesians 5:19
There is so much more to praising God.  It's our daily actions, how we love & treat others that allows Gods love to shine through us.  What would our lives be like if we really took to heart what praising God was meant to look like? 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these. Mark 12:30-32

Seems like such a small insufficient thing to do compared to a life. 

Prayer: Thank you God for loving me so much as to give your son for my sins and the sins of this world.  Thank you for paying a debt I know I could never repay.   I love you Lord and will sing your praises and do my very best to let your love show through me everyday, for as long as I am here on this earth and look forward to singing your praises in heaven one day. Amen....

Feeling Vulnerable

Wow, two more sets of treatments down!  I managed 5 the first week and 4 the second week, so now I am dealing with the side effects of low energy and the itchiness.  Oh how I do itch!  Cool baths, cool compresses, lavender with lemongrass lotions, Aveno lotion, Benadryl nothing seems to help for very long.  Ah but alas, this too will pass and I will welcome this inconvenience if the treatments are working.  April 28, the date of my next CT scan cannot come soon enough!

 I feel so vulnerable at after these treatments.  I have noticed that Satan wants to attack and use me more now that my defenses are down.You know the drill- you don't feel good and something starts that little voice in your head yapping.  Then I generally take something either personally that I shouldn't have or the incident grows from one to two to three until I have a 3 ring circus of drama in my head.  Why do I let that happen?!  I recognize it but too often I open my mouth before I can stop it and the hurt pours out all over whoever happens to be near.
I believe the key things in this situation for me to realize are:
1.My defenses are down.  We are so much more vulnerable when we are sick or hurt. Pray for God to give you strength to with stand the temptation to just react in a knee jerk fashion.
2.Hurt feelings.  Feels should not dictate the way you act.  Allow your faith to be larger than your feelings. Give your faith the steering wheel.
3.Speaking.  Know when to keep your mouth shut.  Like your Mama told you, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."

Many times our reaction is fear based, fear of being used or taken advantage of; a fear that someone will not like us, there  are many reasons.  But remember you will either feed fear or you will feed faith and courage.   .
Peter got out of the boat to walk on water with Jesus, but when he took his eyes and thoughts off Jesus he began to sink in the heavy waves.
It's okay, get out of the boat, or out of that 3 ring circus in your head. God wants us to focus on Him, have courage over our circumstances and walk on the water with Jesus.

“Come,” he said.Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Matthew 14:29-30

Toxic Relationships

I shared a story few weeks ago about cutting out toxic relationships.  I mentioned three things that designated a toxic relationship, they were:

Continuous strife between you
Chains you to your past
Takes advantage of your heart

Once you make a big change in your life, like excepting Christ as your savior, it is really hard for some people to accept the new you.  Unfortunately, a lot of these are people that have known you for a long time,they may be family.  These people know how you lived in the world before you developed your new relationship with God.    Perhaps they are not saved themselves, or they call themselves Christians but they do not have a relationship with God.  By that I mean they believe in God but never really developed their love with & for God or never realized (actually felt) God's love for them. 
The thing is, it's probably not their fault.  No one taught them about the relationship part, they only know the religious part, as in the law of God.  It seems like it's all rules and do's and do not's to them. So their vision is skewed when they look at you within your new life. 
Continuous Strife or continuous drama plagues the two of you because they have a hard time believing what you are saying, or the new way you are acting.  They are chained to the past, to your old self.  This person (the old you) is familiar to them; they knew what to expect from the person you were then. By allowing them to treat you this way you are allowing them to chain you to your past every time they are around you.  You have worked hard to get out of the pit, do not let them pull you back in- break that chain!

Then there are those that have accepted you in your new season of life. They realize your heart has  changed and how best take advantage of you.  You see it isn't about rules, but the closer you grow with God & Jesus, the more you want to live the good life.  The more you want to live like Jesus.  Your heart may soften towards a particular mission, because that is God's plan for you. 
Let's say you were a woman beaten up mentally and physically, now having been out of that situation for years, God gives you a heart for hurting women.  Now let's say a family member or a old friend that knows your past well, tells you stories that constantly play on your sympathies.  So you  mentally & financially help supply their needs, you take up their cross so to speak, always defending them only to discover that this person was telling you half truths.  Learning the full truth you realize they were just as at fault in the situations as anyone else in their stories told to you.  That is taking advantage of your heart. 
Toxic relationships. Jesus warned the disciples about them just before sending them out on their own:

 “Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands. Matthew 10:28 (MSG)

“Don’t think I’ve come to make life cozy. I’ve come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies.  Matthew 10:34-37 (MSG) 

 

So don't give up.  If the chosen disciples were subject to toxic relationships then how much more should we expect it today?  It's spiritual warfare- pick up your sword and swing it! 

 

Internal Storm

I hope you enjoy this piece I wrote today- It was great news for me yesterday when my Doctor told me the IL2 Treatments are working- though I will need more treatments I will make through - God is with me!!

 

The Internal Storm

Driving alone in the car I feel the inner storm begin to rise.

The pit of my stomach fills with butterflies. 

Thoughts roll through my mind, blowing in and out.

A sense of dread swirls about. 

My grip on the steering wheel tightens in anticipation;

as I pull up to the building I see my reflection.

 

“Calm down” I whisper “God is near”

“You know He promised He’d always be here.”

 

Seeing the Doctor has evoked this fear

But hearing his words was music to my ears.

“The treatment is working” he said with some joy.

 

Storm now evaded a smile comes to my face,

Thank you Jesus for your unending Grace!

Tomorrow is Scan Day!

Tomorrow is the first scan after having two rounds of  the High Dose IL2 treatments.  The feelings of anticipation are both hopeful and dreadful.  The more I learn about the cancer the more complicated my feelings become.  Talking to others that have been through what I am going through brings out the realist in me, yet reading verses in the Bible and going to church brings out this spiritual hopefulness in me. 

It all brings me to the conclusion that I may now have a new normal in my life.  Yes I still believe that God could heal me if He so chooses, but I also know that  He takes us through these field trips in life for His own purpose.  I will continue to pray for healing, that God use my experiences to help others, and that I will be an inspiration to someone whatever the field trip they are struggling through.

No matter what I will continue to expect my miracle.  Thank you for your prayers